Space Kid: Uh, Neil! Do you read me? Come in, Neil. Maybe if I use Morse code? [Morse Code: S.O.S] S.O.S. *sigh* [Morse Code: F.U.C.K.O.F.F] Roger that! Oh no! We’re stuck in the gravitational pull! Nikki: Ow! Space Kid: Oh! Sorry! Uh, booster rocket go! Nikki: Yeow! Stupid Space Kid… Space Kid: Uh, Max, this landing is tricky. I’m gonna need your help. Max: I told you, I don’t want to play your dumb space game. Space Kid: It’s not dumb, it’s space! The final frontier! Max: Your final frontier is gonna be flipping burgers at the drive-thru! Space Kid: What do you mean? Max: I’m saying, there’s no way you’re ever going to space. Just give it up already! Space Kid: Sure I am, that’s why I’m here! Max: You don’t actually go to space at Space Camp. You eat astronaut ice cream, you get spun around real fast. How stupid can you be? Space Kid: That’s not what the brochure says. David: Come on, kiddos. You know we only have one wet floor sign and it’s already in use. Space Kid: Max is just upset that I get to go to space and he doesn’t. Max: No! I’m upset that A, you think it’s possible for a shitty camp like this to send you to space, and B, that I have a shitty toy in my already shitty potatoes that are now on the shitty floor! David: Well, one, I think you owe the quartermaster an apology. Those potatoes are his specialty. Quartermaster: I’m gonna need that wet floor sign David: And, two, while I think your phrasing could use some work, Max is right, little dipper. You’re not actually going to space, but we are going to have the most fun space activities of any space camp out there! Space Kid: But- David: Now, let’s see here. What did we have listed? Space facts? Huh, got a whole book of those! Space food, can do! Zero-G training… Um, sure we can figure that out and… Send your child to… Space… Space Kid: See? Space! David: Now, you see, kids, when a piece of information has an asterisk that usually means it has a caveat. I’m sure it says, “No caveats here! Your kid will go zoom straight into space or your money back! Plus extra money! we’ll film it and send you the footage too!” Space Kid: Spaaaaaace! David: Gwen! I think we might be in trouble this time! Like, for real! Gwen: Alright, what is it? What’s wrong? David: This gosh darn brochure says we have to actually send Space Kid to the actual moon! Gwen: Okay. David: But we can’t send them to the actual moon or any moon for that matter! Gwen: What are you suggesting, then? David: I hate to say it, but… We’re going to have to fake a moon landing. Gwen: Okay. David: Really? I figured you’d object or something. Gwen: Nah. I mean, that sounds like the kind of stuff we do around here. Alright, let’s go deal with Space Kid. Max: We’ve got to deal with Space Kid. OOOOOOH- There’s a place I know that’s tucked away, a place where you and I can stay. Where we can go to laugh and play, and have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe but guys and gals it’s true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We’ll swim through lakes and climb up trees! Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There’s endless possibilities, and no that’s not hyperbole! Our motto’s Campe Diem and that means I’m telling you… We’ve got: Archery, Hiking, Search and Rescue, Biking, Horseback, Training That’ll Save You From A Heart Attack, Scuba Diving, Miming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb Defusal, No Refusal, Fantasies, Circus Trapeze, And Fights, and Ghosts, and Paints, and Snakes, And Knives, and Chess, and Dance, and Weights, It’s Camp Camp! David: Now, you just keep an eye on that weather. We need those skies to be clear! Space Kid: Roger! David: Okay, construction team. How’s it going? Gwen: Terrible. This is a stupid idea that won’t work in a million years. Nurf: Is the moon actually made of cheese?
Because if it’s not, Look, I’m just saying I already brought all this cheese. David: It has to, Gwen! We can’t let any camper down! Besides, we have a solid plan. While I keep Space Kid busy with some good old-fashioned activities, All you and our crack team of volunteer campers have to do is finish constructing an elaborate moon landing extravaganza that will not only enrich our dear campers’ life, but looking convincing enough on film to keep his parents from suing! Nurf: Hey, I’m gonna eat some of this cheese. Gwen: No pressure. David: It’ll be great! Right, kiddos? Harrison: The greatest illusion of all time. I’ll be known worldwide. You know, in specific circles. Space Kid: Oh no, I think I see a rain cloud! Oh, wait, no, it’s just a normal cloud. My eyes hurt… David: Whoopsie! Better go tend to our aspiring astronaut. Gwen: All right, kids. Let’s get back to work- Nurf! Astronaut is spelled with one S and you know it! Max: Damn, it damn it, damn it! If David gets his way, then Space Kid’s never gonna chill out about space. Nikki: It’s okay, guys. I have an idea. We’re gonna have to… destroy space. Neil: Or, we try aversion therapy. If we can somehow get him to associate space with discomfort, It could make him drop the whole thing entirely! Max: So we don’t have to stop David’s Moon landing, We just have to make it scar him for life. Nikki: Okay! Max: Not like that. I’ve got a better idea. David: Alright, let’s get started. I have here the official Camp Campbell Space Paperwork. First off, name? Space Kid: Neil Armstrong, sir. David: Right… Your name is Neil Armstrong… Space Kid: I’m named after my great-grandfather. David: Uh-huh, of course you are. Let me just write that down. Let’s see, here got some pretty standard questions. Height? Space Kid: This many! David: Weight? Space Kid: This many. David: Blood type? Space Kid: Red! David: Gender? Space Kid: Earthling! David: Race? Space Kid: We have to beat the Soviets! David: That’s the spirit. Now, how about some trivia? Space Kid: Yay! David: First question: how many planets are there in the solar system? Space Kid: Eight! David: Uh, nope, sorry, the book says nine. Space Kid: Oh, you must be counting the dwarf planets too, that gets pretty tricky, so eight plus the five known dwarf planets, Sorry Pluto, plus possibly hundreds of others, did I get it right? David: Uh, sure! Gwen: David! I could use some help over here! Nurf: I forgot I was lactose intolerant… David: Oh, boy. Uh, I’ll be right back. Max: Hey there, Space Kid. Space Kid: Oh, hey, Max! Max: How’s the training going? Space Kid: Well, we haven’t really started training yet, but uh- Max: And that’s exactly why I’m here. We got to get you ready for zero-gravity. Space Kid: We do? Oh, oh, we do! But uh, how are we gonna do that? Max: Well… Space Kid: Whoa! Martians! David: Well, hello there, Max. Have you seen Space Kid? We need to make sure he goes to bed extra early for our sunrise launch tomorrow. Max: It’s 4:00 in the afternoon. David: And I’m out of space activities. Max: Don’t worry, David. I’ll be sure to let him know. Space Kid: Thanks for all the training, Max, but I’m not feeling so great. Max: Yeah, astronaut training will do that to you. That’s why I’ve got some nice powerful sleeping medicine to make sure you sleep soundly through the night. Space Kid: Well, how much should I take? Max: All of it’s probably good. Space Kid: Thanks for having my back, Max. Max: Anytime, buddy. David: Good morning, my little astronaut! Gwen:All right, everyone know their jobs? Preston: Yes! Improvisational theater! An entire play where the lead has no script! Groundbreaking! Space Kid: Guys, I’m not feeling too good. Can we play space another day? Harrison: Space waits for no one. Nurf: Yeah, so you’re ready, Space Kid? [Fading] Space Kid, Space Kid, Space Kid… Mission Control: Astronaut Armstrong, are you ready, sir? Space Kid: I’m ready! David: It sounds like he’s having a fever dream. Gwen: It sounds like he’s going to fucking space! Three, two, one. Nerris: Blastoff! Gwen: Now! David: You’re, uh, breaching the atmosphere. Space Kid: So many Gs! Gwen: He sounds like he’s buying it. David: It’s working! Cue the next phase! Alright, Space Kid. We’re about to begin the landing sequence. Max: Oh no. Your nav computer or some bullshit is malfunctioning. David: Max, no! Space Kid: Whoa! Nurf: Nice. Gwen: What have you done?! Do you realize how much paperwork I have to do for a dead camper? Max: Don’t over react- Wait, you’ve had to do that before? David: Oh my goodness! What’s that? Space Kid: Mission Command, I’ve made it. With findings like these, I’ll surely go down in history. Command! I appear to still be suffering some… Distress. David: He’s alive and well! Space Kid: Spaaaaaaaace! David: Well, he’s alive. Gwen: Wait, what the hell is that? Neil Armstrong! We’re picking up heat signatures! Neil: We are aliens. We will consume your brain if you come to space! Give up on your dreams and save yourself! Nikki: Yeah, space is our turf, motherfu- Space Kid: I’ve come in peace, Moon Martians. And I hope that we may work together for a better tomorrow. Neil: Think we scared the space out of him? Nikki: I dunno, but I’m getting bored and caring less. David: Oh my gosh. Space Kid, are you okay? Max: Are you finally sick of space? Space Kid: I- I- I love space! David: You see, Max, when your heart is in the right place, it’s okay if you fib a little. It all works out! Is that a good moral? Max: Why couldn’t he get burnt up on re-entry? David: Gwen! Do you know what this means? We did it! Gwen: Is this what succeeding feels like? I’ve never felt it before. It’s great! David: Now all that’s left to do is to send his parents the tape! So, [In unison] Where did you set up the camera? Space Kid: Spaaaaaaaaace! Gwen: I mean, do you know Photoshop? “Finally, I Got to Make a Space Kid Song!” by Richie Branson. Space Kid: Now what?