Desus & Mero Break Down “Hood Astrology” – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser

Desus & Mero Break Down “Hood Astrology” – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser


I was always coming into
auditions with the script just reading it like this-
Me too. And then other people come in
and have it memorized. Yeah. Yeah. You want a Cajun accent? And I was like,
“Well, fuck this.” He’s got options,
I’m just reading. Every audition is just literally
Desus reads this script. I’m like, “Don’t take my baby.
Please, don’t take my baby.” You’re so funny. They’re like,
“Give more action,” I’m like, “Don’t take my baby.
How was that? I got the part? No? I’m out, alright” …
I take mad waters and leave. I definitely think those two
have banged offscreen. Yeah, they definitely
seem like they’ve ramrodded. Because their chemistry
is too much. Speaking of banging offscreen- Ey! I thought that was …
I was like wow, we’re here. [crosstalk]
Hello. Wow. So messy. Guys, Desus and Mero
just walked into the studio. Guys, thank you so much
for being here. You guys are going to be
at the New York Comedy Festival November 11- 11/11, yes. Bodega Boys Live
at Madison Square Garden. Are you into astrology? Ah no. Why? No, ’cause I don’t know. Is anybody into astrology?
Isn’t 11-11 a special number? Yeah, it is.
It is. No. You’re supposed
to make a wish. That’s like ‘hood astrology. That’s what guys would say. Like Babe, you text your girl
that you love her. Like make a wish.
Thinking about you. Making a wish. Making a wish. If your girl’s really simple,
you hit her at 12:34, like 1-2-3-4 babe.
I love you. ‘Hood astrology is so funny. There’s certain
numbers like 666. Yeah, 420, yeah. There’s certain things
that you … 420, yeah. But 11-11 make a wish,
I still do that. It’s never worked. Never? I think it’s worked. Or like an eyelash on your nose. Nose, yeah.
No, I’ll take every wish. I don’t think we’re keep track
of those, nobody’s following up. Oh, I do.
No, God and Jesus. Do you make a chart? God and Jesus are listening
to every single one. Make it come true. Wow.
I swear to God. Imagine if you were God,
you was like, “I made all the planets, these
idiots are wishing on 11-11?” He’s just looking at it.
He’s like- Look at gravity. Yo, you asshole,
it’s an eyelash. I’ll take any dumb wish. It’s an eyelash. I’ll get my mits on any, and even if I think
it’s completely hog shit, I’m like “I’ll take
the God damned wish.” You know what else I’m doing? To make me feel better
about living in New York I’ve started throwing coins in
the water, on the train tracks. Yeah. ‘Cause you do that
in Disney World, right? Oh.
You can make a wish. And you make a wish,
I wanna do that. Like, a urban wish. That is so sweet. So you’re like, “I wish
my train comes on time.” Yeah. Do you ever miss the puddle? [crosstalk] a rat curses at you. Or worse, you splash up some of
the water, gets on your mouth. That water’s pretty
fucking opaque. I don’t know if you- Yeah, that’s a good- The coin just starts dissolving
as it goes through. Yeah, you just see smoke
coming out of the fucking thing, as soon as you threw
your penny in there. It’s wild. Also, I’m pretty sure NYPD would
give you a ticket for that. “Oh, you throwing pennies
on the tracks?” Hey asshole!
Come over here. Hey, hey, hey. Hey. That’s littering, technically.
Yeah. Yeah. “You wanted to penny
on a track? I’ll throw a fucking penny
on a track, how about you, you asshole?” Do you ever think about
how much money you’ve just lost by pulling money
out of your pocket and- Oh yeah, all the time. Today a $20 came out of
my pocket and I saw it luckily. I always just think … Or you’ve just thrown away
in the trash with just cleaning
out pockets or purse- Everything. I lose … I just shed debit cards
throughout this thing. I’m like Oprah.
“You get a debit card! You get a debit card!
You get a debit card!” I was walking and I
dropped about … I wanna say four quarters
. Yeah. But it was like on 53rd Street, and there’s all
these people around. And people recognized me
and I was like, “Do I really wanna be see
bending over for four quarters?” Chasing a quarter as it rolls
all the way down. Around the street.
I got a long stick, I’m going down the sewer
trying to get the quarter with a piece of gum
on the end of it. That’d be like somebody more. If I saw like Robert De Niro
chasing a- Like chasing a dollar. “Oh my God. It’s take a penny,
leave a penny.” I’m like, “I better go see
his movies. He’s not doing so well.
He’s so humble. I gotta go see Meet the Fockers,
he’s such a real guy.” That’s so true,
when you drop change. Because if you leave it though,
you look like, “I don’t need money.” You know what you’ve gotta do. You have to just chase it.
I don’t care. Or if you pay for something
at a Bodega and you a dime drops
into the gum? And instead of fishing it out,
sometimes I just leave it and someone will go,
“Hey, there’s a dime.” And I’m like, “I don’t … ” You just feel like …
Okay thanks. Now I have to- It makes me feel like
an uppity cunt. Yeah.
Exactly. Oh look at fancy pants
over here. Doesn’t need a dime. And you’re getting
in your Tesla. You don’t need a dime.
You don’t have the time to dig in the Double Bubble
for your dime? I’m sure you guys
have heard it before. Who’s this person?
Who’s- What we get a lot is people
coming directly to us like, “Who are you?
Where do I know you from?” I’m like, “I don’t know. Cops?” That’s so funny. I don’t know. The local news. It happens a lot. If other people on the street
see us they’re like, “Oh, Desus and Mero.”
And they’re like, “Huh. What you guys?
What are you? Rappers?” You rap? Rap for me. Rap. Rap. Rap.
Hip hop. A baby bubba. I’m like,
“Nah, we don’t do that.” Hot tracks.
Somebody isolate that. Big with the millennials. You guys have a show
coming out on Showtime. What’s going on
with that right now? So cute. It’s just a rip of Ray Donovan.
It’s completely unoriginal. Yeah. It’s just another season
of Shameless, but I replace William H. Macy
and he plays one of the kids. No, no. It’s similar to our last
show but more polished. More, you know- Bigger. What process are you in?
When is it going to be on? Do we know what date? Are you guys just
in pre-production? Starting 2019, still early idea. You guys. I love this point. When you have the deal.
But it’s not in the- And it’s like shush.
And all your handles are like, “Do not say the air date
on the air. On any show.
You can’t say anything.” Yup. You can’t even- You can’t say anything. Do not even say it.
But it’s there. We have it. Everything is there.
Everything is there. You have the announcement.
Everyone is so excited for you. Everything is being worked on. It’s all coming together
beautifully. We’re super excited. I’m just about to blurt it out
but I’m like, “No.” My new this is I just
tell people made-up dates. Yes, okay. ‘Cause people are like,
“When’s it gonna start bro?” November 38. April 18! Black Friday, Black Friday. February 30th. First day of Hanukah.
First night, sorry. First night. First day of Hanukah.
Wow. Is that the day party
for Hanukah? You’ve been holding out on me? So much of this business
is the announcement. Is the deadline announcement.
That’s almost like most of it. Just announcing it. You guys are in that perfect
position of having announced it and having got
all the congratulations and you’re a big … But you haven’t had
to show us anything yet. So, it’s all excitement. We only expect
the greatest from you. There’s no disappointment.
I love that phase. Between announcement
and show-date. It’s a delightful feeling, yeah. We’re kinda getting
a different result. Not ’cause people
on Twitter … People on Twitter
hate everything. They’re already like, “Oh wow. You guys blew your load.
You should have been on already. No one’s gonna watch it now.
You fucked up.” It’s too late. We haven’t even started yet.
What’s- I can’t wait for this show. Look at all the stuff that’s
happening in the world today. You guys should be
on TV covered. I’m like, the world
is still gonna exist when we’re on the air. Well, that’s debatable.
Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed.
You know what I’m saying? Unless I push a button
and end it all. I will do it.
Don’t say I won’t. Is it gonna be a weekly?
Yeah. Okay. ‘Cause you guys used
to do four days a week? Yeah, four days a week. How was that?
How was the grind of that? It wasn’t that bad ’cause it was
all off the cuff, improv. We were just talking.
Just riffing, whatever. ‘Cause we’ve met other comedians
who work four nights a week, and they’re like, “Bro.”
They’re like burned out. How do you do it? Because they have to
write everything. All the scripts. And edits and- You guys just show up
and be yourselves. It’s wild ’cause they’re like,
“Oh man, this is so nuts. Me and my 30 writers … ” I’m like, “30 writers?
How do you pay them? How do you …
We just go in and talk.” It was fun ’cause you had … If something happened
you had an immediate platform to react to something. So now it’s like,
something happens and you might send one tweet.
Like, “Huh. Showed her.” But it’s not the same.
It’s not the same. Yeah, what does it feel
like not doing it every day? Does it feel a little bit- Now you get people come at you
and they’re like, “I wish I could get
your viewpoint on this.” I’ll be in my basement,
stoned at 2:00am like, “Here’s my viewpoint
via Twitter.” You know what I’m saying?
“I have 280 characters out.” It’s the same way
I feel about this show. It’s like, it’s four days
a week for two hours. I literally walked in
at 10:03am today. I was late.
First day being late. Right gang, we all here. But that’s now gonna
be the new rag. The new thing. And you just talk and people
are like, “How is it? Is it such a grind?”
And I’m like, “I’m just myself and I get to talk
with my friends. It’s the great … We’ve carved
out the greatest … I have the greatest job.” That’s because you’re yourself. It’s not like you gotta
come here and get gemmed up and be like,
“I’m going into character mood.” Well, I like to get
gemmed out, but- Nikki Wack Wack. That would be- You show up,
you don’t get ready. Look like shit. I was just like [crosstalk] No, but it is just so nice to have carved out a place
in this business for myself where I don’t have
to prepare that much. I just wanna be.
And what you can do- The persona is whack- And what you can do,
what I’ve gotten fired for in every other job,
just running my dumb yap. It’s like, “Finally,
I’m paid to talk back.” Yeah, you think about all
those times in the past like, “If I had said that.
I’d be at HR right now.” But now the crowd’s like,
“Wonderful. Take our money.” I’m like, “I should have done
this ten years ago.” Oh my God. Oh wow. I love it.
I love it. Desus and Mero
are here in the studio. Rachel Feinstein is also here. Make sure to check them out
at the New York Comedy Festival, November 11. Bodega Boys
Live at Madison Square Gardens. Is it just you guys
at Madison Square Garden? Just us. Dude.
That’s insane. At the Hulu Theater.
At the Hulu Theater. Not the actual Madison Square.
We’re not doing Drake levels. Not gonna be Kanye
floating on the stage above. But that’s still a big deal. It’s still Madison
Square Garden. If you guys were lowered onto
the stage, I would respect that. If you’re ever
gonna be lowered- Oh yeah. You should be dropped
with strings. We talked about that
and it’s just like, that comes out
of our own pocket. And knowing us, we’d each want
to cut edges, so it’s just like, “I’ll hold the string
while you go down, and have someone else
do it for me.” That is so funny that
that one activity would come out of your pocket. It’s like $79.99
to lower yourselves. The shows are weird.
They’re like, “You can do anything you want.”
They’ll pay for everything else. I was like, “Can I have
a microphone on a stand?” They’re like, “That’s $2000.” “That’s $80000.” If you go over
two minutes, it’s $45000- What about flames or smoke? Oh, forget it. The fire service charges
are way up. If you see us with pyrotechnics,
you know we made it. And monitors and shit like that,
on trillion dollar set. We made it. We wanna get to U2 levels. Like, unnecessary flying in
on a helicopter. Putting our podcast
on every Apple product. How about just oiled women
petting you? You could have some friends
or something. Oh wow, yeah. I’ll wear Speedo, yeah.
I’ll wear Speedo. There’ll be so much body here. I’ll do it for a Starbucks
gift card. Sounds good. Sounds good. Any amount. Any amount. I just like the card. I like to fill my wallet
with different cards. I actually just used
the Starbucks app. I haven’t used it in a while.
It got really fancy. I tried to order
from a moving car and for a pick-up
and it got a little sassy. It was like,
“You’re seven minutes away. It’s gonna take three minutes
to order this drink. Order when you
get closer.” Dang. I was like, “Wow.” Bitch. I was like, “Wow. Okay.
Let me tell you something-” Excuse me. When you get closer. Then you can make
your order, sir. I was like, “Wow.” I have a line. Excuse me.
I have to take care of them. It’s really my most-used app. I get Starbucks
three times a day, and I always use
the mobile app. I look at people in line
and I’m like, “You idiots.” “What’s wrong with you? Idiots.
You guys are maniacs”. Come in all impatient,
and you’re like, “A latte for Nikki.” Yeah.
“I used the app.” You just push through
all the others. I have it out so the people
at the bar know that that’s what I’m there for. It’s like a cop badge.
Just walk in like- Casually. “Hey, it’s the Sheriff
of Starbucks.” I love listening to orders. You order like Meg Ryan on
When Harry Met Sally. Like, it’s the most
specific order ever. But it just sounds like a woman
who knows what she wants. Can I have a chai latte
with almond milk? A splash of lamb’s wool? I’m so cunty. I hate my orders. I always feel so bad.
But I always- What is your main order now? At Starbucks, it’s …
Well, it’s ridiculous. Just say it. Say it! Today literally the girl goes,
“I don’t know what this means.” I heard the barista say
that to another person. And I go, “I know
that’s my drink.” So, it’s a venti traditional
misto, I don’t know … A misto is half coffee
and half steamed soy. It is a …
It’s a bitch latte. It’s not as strong as a latte,
and it’s less milk. It’s not as milky as a latte. But you’re worth it. I had never heard
the word misto before. It’s a café au lait If you were going to the Bodega
to get coffee, I’d be like,
“Yo Papi, I’ll have a misto.” They’re like,
“Is that an anime character? Is he in Infinity War? I don’t remember him
from that movie.” So, a misto is … It’s a café au lait but
Starbucks uses Italian phrases, not French,
so you have to say misto. But it is a café au lait, which is a common order
in a French café. Okay, I’m not crazy. Okay, good to know. And let me just say,
50% of people don’t know where to find it
in the computer. They’re always like,
“Where’s a misto?” Like, it is a weird order. Then, okay.
Then I get almond … They don’t call it almond milk,
they call it almond drink. So, it’s with almond milk
instead of regular. Light soy …
And then I do a splash of soy, which that confuses people
because it should just be … I’m adding soy. I recently found out
the soy milk there has a candy bar’s
amount of sugar in it. So now I just want a little bit
of soy milk as a sweetener- So bad saying a splash
of anything. That’s how you ask
for that amount. A Jew’s whisper of soy. Wow. That’s one phrase I would not be saying out
loud at Starbucks ever. “Can I get a Jew’s whisper?” “Can I have an Italian blink
of a … ” “Let me get a Jamaican
trailer-load of cinnamon.” And then I get it extra hot,
’cause it’s never hot enough. I get it extra hot
’cause I chug things too much. I’m a chugger. And that slows me
down from chugging, ’cause it’ll burn my throat. Burn your throat, yeah. So it keeps me at a normal pace
that people tend to sip coffee. It keeps me sipping. And oftentimes, they will only
fill it up to here because- That’s how they get you. I hate that. If I wanted space- If I wanted a grande,
I would have ordered a grande. I hate when they don’t ask you
if you want space, and they just give it to you. Oh, I don’t want room.
I never want room. No room. Just tell them no room. Don’t ever B&B
my fucking coffee. No. I’ll get them fired.
I’ll get them fired. Wait, you’ll Jewish whisper
to their manager? I’m a letter writer.
I make sure. Oh my … No.
Can you imagine? You sound like my wife when she
writes letters for everything. I’ve never wrote a letter ever. Does she really?
Does she get stuff from it? She gets so much shit. I had never known
of this strategy. If you get something fucked up,
you write an angry but well-worded
email or letter. If you fucking physically write
a letter and put a stamp- Wait, she writes a letter
like Benjamin Franklin? Yeah.
That’s the only person I can think of
who has written a letter. My mom used to do that.
I’ve never done it in my life, but she would get
all kinds of free stuff My mom … This is bizarre. Wait, she’ll take out
a pen and paper? And stationery? And paper. Yeah.
And stationery. I don’t think I even own paper. I don’t know how
to write anymore. I just have to write on the back
of my American Express card. My friend does it,
and he writes certified mail to the head of the company
so that they have to answer it. They have to … Acknowledge me!
Don’t just throw me in a pile! Wow. She will literally write- And you get all kinds
of free shit. All kinds of free shit.
Very petty stupid thing. Got an Entiman’s cake
from the supermarket. It was bad.
Had mold on the bottom. She was like …
She took pictures of it. Was like, “This fucking cake
had mold on the bottom. I demand my money back.
Blah blah blah blah.” Supermarket gave her
a hard time. She was like,
“I’m going to corporate.” Wrote a …
Was a brick and mortar letter. Put it in a fucking envelope,
put a stamp on it, send it- She had like a five
paragraph essay? Yeah, seriously. Sent it, and then Entiman’s
sent back a fucking giant envelope full of free
Entiman’s forever. Wow. It’s like Charlie’s
golden ticket. They’re all over my house.
I lift up my couch cushion and there’s like,
“Oh, free cake.” It’s true.
It takes one cunty note and you get a lifetime
of free shit. A lifetime of free shit. Just the idea of writing
a physical letter is so exhausting to me. I would never do it. I don’t even mail things
I’m supposed to mail. Where do you even get a stamp
nowadays? You gotta go the Post Office? I went to the Post Office
the other day and I was like, “Do you sell stamps?”
And they were like, “We don’t take food stamps.”
I was like, “No.” Believe it or not,
at one time people put a little picture
on an envelope and sent it across the land. Nobody has stamps. You’ve gotta go to the airport
to get rid of something. It’s crazy.
[crosstalk] You go to the Post Office … People at the Post Office hate
you for using the Post Office. [crosstalk]
Yeah, they get angry. You’re sending a package?
Mother fucker. Why are you keeping us
in business? They just want it to be over. They want to be
put out of their misery. They’re like,
“You people …” You see the windows and you see the person
sitting there like … And you walk over
and they’re like, “Did I turn the light on?
No. So, go back online.” “Did I say next?” Mother fucker.
“Did I say next? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Did I say next?” “You want this package next day
or overnight?” I’m like … “Overnight is next day.”
“Overnight is not next day. Overnight means it will
reach there at 9:00am. Next day means it will
reach there the next day.” “If you would read the website
before you come here, you wouldn’t be wasting my time. Excuse me,
he is wasting your time because he did not read
the directions on the website. Excuse me. Thank you.” “You know what?
We’re going to lunch.” “Daniel Baker. Daniel Baker
is wasting your time.” “We’re going to lunch now.
Close your window, girl.” And then they shut the window.
Get the fuck outta here. I’ve done the thing before where
I’ve called Starbucks because …
I’ve called corporate before. Because I know they’ll throw me
a free drink on the app. It’s very easy for them to do. You talk to someone online
and what you do is, you go, “I’m a loyal customer.
I swear …” You just present yourself
as someone … “I’ve spent a lot of money here.
And I will continue to-” I’m a good customer. I’ve never given
a man a shit job. I just love your coffee.” I give the finest handies. Is one free drink enough
to [inaudible] you? Yeah. Yeah.
‘Cause that’s five bucks. Do latte art? $5 for coffee. I just … I’m a lady that can
drop $5 on the street and it’s not gonna pain me. I’m not in a position where
$5 is really that much money. But when you’re spending
that much on a cup of coffee, I demand excellence.
I demand it. But here’s the thing-
This is water and beans. I feel like she’s making
a speech at the register and I’m like, “Damn,
I am not making this train.” She demands excellence. Oh no I’m tweeting like,
“She demands excellence.” Only ’cause people
working at Starbucks, I’m like, “You’re making minimum wage.
You have to …” And I’ve heard
the other side of it. Oh yeah, working at Starbucks.
It’s awful. It is. It’s awful, right? It’s awful. I have so much empathy for
people who have to work with- And it was worse. ‘Cause it wasn’t
a standalone Starbucks. It was a Starbucks
within a Barns & Noble. No. Which is the Starbucks
where people go and they’re obnoxious
and they order outlandish shit- Set up shop all day with it.
Reading all the books. And they’re like
with 20 magazines. I’m like, “Fuck you.” And they leave shit,
they spill shit on books. Then it’s my fault. Then the boss comes up
and he’s like, “You know they’re not supposed
to be reading up here? You’re supposed
to politely tell them to move to a different area.” I’m like, “Brah,
I’m not going … This guys has weird
looks on him. He has a thousand yard stare. And he’s reading
40 Laws of Power-” You shouldn’t have to
privately scold people on top of serving coffee.
That’s ridiculous. So what I did is,
I got high in the back and I ate the entire
Snickers pie. So, fuck you. That’s why we have no more
Barnes & Nobles in New York. That one sad one
in Union Square. It’s like … Everyone just goes there to use
the bathroom, and that’s it. That’s the only reason
to go to Barnes & Noble. There’s nothing better
than a Barnes & Noble bathroom. That’s why I’ll always
complain about … I’ll complain about product,
but never service. ‘Cause I’ve been so terrible at every single one
of my jobs that … Just wildly fired
from every place. And fired in like,
under four hours before. I’m like, “Who am I to complain
about service?” I once had a temp job,
and it was just a four day job and it was just
answering phones. They called me on day two and said,
“You don’t need to come back.” They were like,
“It’s not temporary enough.” I wasn’t even working there.
I got fired from a temp job. But like, I understand
what you’re saying. Service, I never complain.
When my dad does a thing … Dads never understand that it’s not the waitress’
fault that food is late. It’s so rarely
the waitress’ fault, but they can not think
to the kitchen. They cannot fathom. They think she’s the one
cooking it. They really do. They really do. And I always try to explain it
is not her fault that … And he goes,
“Well she’s just waiting there.” I go, “‘Cause she’s waiting
for the kitchen-” For the fucking bell to ding! What is she supposed to do? But yeah. What jobs
have you been fired from? Four hours.
I mean, that’s crazy. I was fired from a store called
Phat Shoes and Clothes on Broadway
and I thought I was so cool- Phat with a ph? Yeah. With a ph. Oh, hip-hop. Hip-hop. I thought that was truth
’cause I got that job. I remember it was
my first job in New York and I thought
I was like a Beastie Boy. I work on Broadway
in a place called Phat Shoes and Clothes- Sabotage! Yeah, I was like definitely
get off my dick. I told everyone. “I’m working on Broadway.
Phat Shoes and Clothes. Get right off my dick.”
And it was so humiliating ’cause I was telling
all my friends. I was like,
“Don’t call me as much. I’m working at Phat Shoes
and Clothes now. Give me some space.” I don’t have time. I have an early shift tomorrow
at Phat Clothes and Shoes. Phat with ph. I really did.
I felt I was in the Beastie … In my mind,
I was like that’s it. And then it was
so humiliating ’cause I was fired
in under four hours. Damn. But basically, I was supposed to
get people to buy the clothes. I was like,
“I can’t do that. I can’t bother people
like that.” That’s the worst feeling
in the world- “Can I help you?” Yeah. And bothering like,
“That looks good. You should buy that.”
I can’t … And so, I was supposed to that.
And fold. I can’t fold. My fold was a slovenly disaster.
He was so … “Are you a woman?” He was so disgusted
with my folds. My folds were … Right away I remember him
glaring at me like, “She has suspicious,
heinous folding skills.” “Who’s this? I don’t know.
She’s using the board and she still
can’t get it right.” I couldn’t! I used that dumb
cardboard- Fucking stupid board!
Fuck you board! And fuck Intel and Loft.
[crosstalk] I feel so bad for people
in retail. [crosstalk] I worked inventory at Intel
and Loft. Noway! Yeah. And then they got a guy
fired for scamming and stealing. And then they had to do
an instant promotion and they promoted the guy
with straight back cornrows and gold fronts
to work the floor, to where Anne Taylor blouses
and tell people, tell Hispanic Jewish women, “You look great in this
floral length skirt,” in the sale section. You know what I’m saying?
It was the worst shit ever. People are like,
“Well, this price tag doesn’t match this price tag.
I’m switching.” I’m like, “You can’t switch
price tags on shit.” And I’m just overwhelmed. “Put me back
in inventory, please.” I worked loss prevention
at the Gap on 34th Street
during Christmas. Oh no. What does that entail? First of all, everything
that happens is just continuous
Christmas music on a loop in the background.
Just Jingle Bells. Tackle a shop-lifter like,
“Jingle Bells.” All we had to do was watch
to make sure the register from the basement
got to the security room. But the register
would be like $30000 every time
they would take it out. So sometimes people
would try to tackle the people
carrying the register. No way! So you’d have to walk
behind them, then when they reached the room
you’d be like, “Touchdown.” And were you watching
just to see if people were shoplifting too? No. You were just all
about the register. You’d see people
shoplifting and stuff and you couldn’t do
anything about it. I’m like, “Take as many sweater
and as many pouches as you want. All I’m worried about
is this register over here.” So that was your only job,
was to watch the register? Only had to …
I did it for like a week, and then I had to quit.
Oh my … The Christmas music
was driving me insane. Oh my God. Here comes Santa Claus,
here comes Santa Claus … And I’m smelling the … Remember when Gap had that
cologne that smelt like grass? Grass scent? Yeah.
I loved grass. So immediately, I heard
the Christmas music, I smell grass,
I’m like oh my God. And people were like, “Do you
have these chinos in a 34?” I don’t even know.
I don’t work here. What are chinos? Oh my God. Yeah. I was … And it’s funny,
they delegated me to be the guy to escort the cash register guy
to the deposit thing. Like, I’m running away. If this guys is getting robbed,
I’m out of here. I’m not fighting
over $9.50 an hour. If the guy tripped with the bag,
I’m running out the store. I’m not …
No smoke. I’m on the chair like,
“Hope he lives.” They like, “You big.
You go with him.” I’m like, “No, no, no.” Saw me walking in like,
“Everyone, give me your money.” And I’m like,
“I don’t really work here. I’m temp.
I’m just gonna leave.” I just cover the loss thing … I don’t know.
I don’t know who this guy is. I’m just shopping.
I have no idea. The shoplifting thing …
You realize anyone can shoplift. They can’t do anything
about it now. Yeah, but you always get that
one employee that wants to go a bit extra. Maybe they tried out to be a cop
and didn’t make it, and now they work
at Victoria Secret. “You’re not getting out of here
with that pair of panties.” Yeah. Just tase you on the middle
of 34 in the crowd. It’s $5 panties. I’ve learned that
you can just … They can’t. They give up. They don’t care. They don’t care. No one cares. The laws protect
the shoplifters. Thank God, the laws protect us.
They’re on our side. All the rights are on
the side of the lifter. The one time I got,
the thing went off. And I’ve never
been caught since. But no.
The thing went off, and it beeped,
and the woman came up … And I could have
just kept walking, ’cause every time
it beeps you just go, “Oh, sorry.”
It beeps all the time. You just walk out the same time
as someone else, and when they stop,
you keep moving. Oh. That’s how I worked
at Center 21. You just do this confused
look like, “Oh. I would never steal.” Which is what I do every time
when it does beep and I haven’t stolen.
I just go, “Oh, weird!” Just give a confused
white girl shrug. Oh man, when you’re guilty
and that beep happens. The color drains
from your face and away and you just freeze in a way that everyone knows
you’re guilty. And then I …
I think I wanted to get caught. You ever do that shrug
then take off sprinting? Yes. I should have. I have the advantage
over all of you ’cause as soon as it goes off,
they’re like “Beep beep beep,
let me see your bag.” I’m like, “Why?
‘Cause I’m black?” And they’re like,
“No sir, have a nice day.” I’m gonna try that. And I just have a TV under
my arm I haven’t paid for. I should try that. I’m here with my sister Nikki.
Me and her out shopping. We’re protesting this store.
Shut down this Target. Oh my God.
I love you guys so much. Desus and Mero. You guys.
Hear their podcast, Bodega Boys. If you’re not sold
by these guys right now, if you’re not already
listening, you’re gonna be. Bodega Boys is their podcast.
Available on iTunes. Go see them! November 11th.
Thank you so much. 11/11 at the Hulu Theater, Madison Square Garden.
Do not miss it. You guys are so funny and fun.
Thank you for being here. That’s right. Yeah! Thank you. Shoplift outfit
to come to the show. If I’m in town, I’ll be there. Can we do that?
Let’s do a thing where me and you shoplift outfits
to go to the show. I would love that. I need to get
back into it anyway. Thanks for having us!

100 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *