Dr. Phil on Why We Should All Be More Empathetic – You Up w/ Nikki Glaser


I just got this alert
on my phone. I have this new app
called Citizen where you put in your zip code and it tells you
any kind of crime or events that are happening in
or around your neighborhood. I just got a Manhattan alert.
At least three people were injured after
multiple manhole explosions. What?
What breaking news. Where? Why did it explode? It says flat iron district.
Who knows? It’s such a nice district. The other day it was like man with blow torch
at ninth and 11th. I’m like,
“Okay, I guess I’ll avoid that.” I actually thought it was weird
that you would have that. I was just like, “How
are you not getting every…” We have the craziest people. It’s fun, and this app
is really fun especially when you live
in a crazy town. Something’s going to happen
right next to you. I don’t know.
I guess you’ll be aware. What do you mean? The guy with the blow torch
is going to be like 10 feet away from you sometime. Good. I’ll know about it. Do you think I should just
not know about it? I don’t know. You’re going to be reading
the app while he’s burning you. Dr. Phil is walking into studio
as we speak. Yes, right here. Dr. Phil, how you doing?
I’m good. How are you?
I’m so good. You’ve been on the show before.
We got you in here before and I told you
how much you mean to me. A couple of your phrases
have changed my life. I refer to them often. How’s that working for you?
That’s one of my faves. You can’t beat it.
How’s that working for you? Did you come up
with that on your own? I guess I did. I mean, it’s so good.
You can’t not answer that with, “Well, it’s not working out good
at all and I got to change my life.” It’s all about asking the right
question, right? Yes. We have to ask ourselves
the right questions. I really got into all of this,
I started thinking back and I really got
into all of this when I was 12 because when I was 12, I really got focused on
why people do what they do and don’t do what they don’t do. I’ve been obsessed with that
one concept since I was 12 years old. Since then, that’s been
a driving force in what I do. What happened when you were 12? Was there a moment? Do you remember? Yeah, what was it?
I was on a football team
in Oklahoma City. We had a game rain out
on the weekend and so on Monday, the Salvation Army called
and said, “We have a team
we kind of put together. Could we come over
and scrimmage you guys?” Our coach said, “Yeah, sure.” We had all the best equipment,
the shiny helmets, the black with silver stripes
down the side. They showed up in two pickups and it looked like the most rag
tag team you’ve ever seen. The guy lined up across from me had on blue
jeans for football pants, rolled up to the knees
so they look like … He had on loafers
for football shoes. A button up shirt with masking
tape number four on it. That’s a lineman? We’re snickering like why doesn’t he put it on
with magic marker? We’re so dumb, we don’t know he didn’t
put it on with magic marker because that’s his shirt. Oh, right. He’s got to wear that
to school tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. We have all of this stuff, and here’s
this rag tag kids with nothing. We don’t kick off
because it’s just a scrimmage. They snapped the ball. That kid hit me so hard,
it still hurts when it rains. They beat us like they were
clamping for a barn dance. It was like 50 to nothing.
I got in the car with my dad to go home
and I said, “What happened?” He said, “You just got your ass
handed to you on a platter. That’s what.” I was looking for a little more
in depth answer than that. He said, “They’re just hungry.
They want it.” At that point, I was envious of those kids. I was envious of
those Salvation Army kids. I want what they have.
I started focusing on why people do what they do
and don’t do what they don’t do. Why are those kids so hungry?
Why do they want it so bad because if they can do
so much with so little, how much should I be able
to do with so much? What makes them tick?
I started reading. I just became
fascinated with it. How did you make that drive for
yourself if you did have everything? How did you create
that kind of?- For me, I started figuring out that
you really are self determined. I started really figuring out that
you create your own experience. You create your own drive. You don’t wait for somebody else
to do it for you. I’ve been very self reliant
from a very young age. That became the ticket
for me of being self reliant. It doesn’t mean I’m a lone wolf. I surround myself with people
that want me to succeed, and are confident,
and help and all that but that’s part of creating
your own environment. You get people around you that
are really good at what they do. We were unpacking
some absurd behavior that we notice just living
in New York City on the train and such, and I’d love for you
to shed some light on why someone might listen
to their phone at full volume when they have headphones
on a crowded train, and subject everyone to
whatever video they’re watching. What kind of person does that,
and why do they do that? There’s two answers,
different answers that one, they’re just very narcissistic
and selfish but if they’re watching a video, the people that do it
on their phone, they want you to know
how important they are. They’re talking not to the
person on the phone, they’re talking to you.
They’re not talking to this guy, they’re talking to you
and you and you and you. This is exhibitionism for them so they’re putting on a show
for everybody there, and they love an audience, and they’ve got a captive one
on that train, and they’re going to use it. They are performing
and you cannot escape it. Are you type of person that will call that
kind of behavior out in public, or do you think that it’s more
wise to just let them be? No, I don’t call
it out in public. I label it. Yeah, with some masking tape. Just hands him a card
that says narcissist. That would be nice. If somebody asked me
about it at the time, I’ll tell them right
in front of the person but I don’t say anything
to the person. I just move on. It’s like if I go to a dinner
or party or something and somebody says, “Oh, so and so
is getting a divorce. What do you think about this? What do you think about that?”
I’m the last one to weigh in. Somebody will come
to me and say, “What do you think?” I’ll say, “You don’t want to know
what I think. Y’all just keep talking.
I’m just going to eat my salad.” I’m the last one to give advice. Just in a public setting,
when someone asks, you’re the best
at giving advice. Another one of your
Dr. Phil-isms that I use quite often
is when someone says, “I don’t know.” You say,
“Well, if you did know, what would you say?”
I think that’s so brilliant because you do have an answer
somewhere in there. Of course.
That’s just a deflection. You ask somebody.
“I don’t know.” Yeah you do. You do. You’re just pretending
not to know. Yeah. It is so frustrating, though, dealing with
certain behaviors and you go, “Why do you do that?” Do you find that the people
you encounter on your show, and definitely the people you’re
talking to in your new Podcast which I want to talk about.
Dr. Phil has a new true crime Podcast called
Analysis of Murder by Dr. Phil. Season one is out now
which features the first exclusive interview
with Gypsy Rose Blanchard. How do we pronounce it? It was Blanchard
until her mother added an E so it would have
a little panache to it so it became Blanchard. Hilarious. It was Blanchard
until she added the E. This is the story
that is the show The Act on Hulu, if you watch that,
is based upon all this but you meet
a lot of these people that you are
just so frustrated with. Why are you acting this way?
Empathy is a big part of your job,
I would assume. Can you talk to us
a little bit about that because I feel like a lot
of people don’t even know what it is. I know I found out late in life
what it is. People have sympathy but what’s the difference
between empathy and sympathy? There’s a big difference. Sympathy is really feeling
compassion for, or feeling sorry for,
or even having pity for. Empathy is the ability to put
yourself in their position. Stand in their shoes,
and vicariously experience what they’re likely experiencing
in a situation. You can tell whether
somebody really has that ability or not based
on a couple of litmus tests. If you want to know
what they are, I’ll tell you. Yeah, I’d love it. Let’s say somebody comes to work
and they show up late, you say, “You’re late. You’re never late.
Why are you late?” They say, “Well, just as
I was getting ready to leave, my dog ran into the street
and was run over and killed.” Dog ran into the street
and was run over and killed. Now, somebody that
doesn’t have empathy- Are they hold an iced coffee
when they say this? No. Their makeup is all runny. Got it, got it. They’re obviously upset. Somebody without empathy
will say, oh really?
What kind of dog? Oh, wow. Somebody with empathy will say,
oh my gosh. You must feel terrible
about that. Sit down. I’m so sorry. Yeah. One reflects content,
the other reflects feeling. So, people that don’t have
empathy can reflect content, because they don’t understand
feelings. Mm-hmm (affirmative). People that have feelings,
because they understand that they can relate to what
that person must be feeling, because they say,
if somebody killed my dog, I would feel terrible. So, you must feel terrible.
They can relate to it. That’s empathy? They can put themselves
in that person’s situation, and experience accurately what that person
is likely to be experiencing. But what
if I’ve never had a dog? What if I never even had a pet? How do I experience
empathy for that person? You’ve experienced loss. You know people
that have experienced loss. You’ve lost something. Mm-hmm (affirmative). My phone. You’ve had something of value
taken from you. You’ve had something
that’s lost. Yeah, that’s a good point. Okay.
So, I want to unpack … Okay. So, you were in the middle
of saying something. Oh, I said I lost my phone. That’s what they’re laughing at.
I compared the two. You know what?
Here’s what I was thinking about was we all saw
this report about this woman who dumped all these puppies
at Coachella, did you see that?
No. Oh, you didn’t see that?
Seven puppies in a sack. Seven puppies in sack.
This woman, they later found her,
but they went to her home, and she had like
38 dogs at her home. She’s one of these pet hoarders,
you know? And she put the …
They have the footage of her putting the dogs
in the dumpster in a sack, and doing it so nonchalantly
that you’re like, oh, she’s done
this before probably, and just acting without any care
for these dogs lives’. The dogs got found,
they’re fine. I felt, for the first time ever, instead of feeling just so angry
at that woman, which obviously I was,
I was like that poor woman. What has she been through
to make it so easy for her to dispose of puppies
lives like that? Do you find yourself
arriving at those … Is that growth for me as a human
that I’m able to see, even empathize with murders and people
who have done horrible things, because I go … Even the Michael Jackson
documentary, I’m like what happened
to Michael Jackson to make him do this? And where does that end?
I can go back millions of years to what pain
brought about this act? It just depends on
where you focus at the time. You could also relate
to the puppies. Yeah. You can also relate
to the victims of Michael Jackson, right? Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm
(affirmative). So, it doesn’t mean that
you don’t have compassion for the perpetrator
as well as the victim, because you know this has to be a tortured soul
to have done that. So, you can understand that.
I’ve been … People have criticized me
at times for saying that we shouldn’t
necessarily punish bullies. We need to treat them, because bullies come from homes
where bullies raise kids. Bullies have been bullied,
and you got to ask yourself, what is it that makes
these kids so angry that they’re venting this
all the time? And if you want to stop it, you really have to fix
the bullies, not just punish them, because all you’re going to do
is make them more angry. So, bullies need help just like
the victims of the bullies, and that’s not
a popular sentiment. But isn’t that the- But if you want to fix it,
it’s true. But isn’t that the whole root
of the criminal justice system is that we’re just punishing
people that come from homes where maybe they stole because
there is no food to have, and they have no other way
of making a living, or you know what I mean? There’s definitely evil
people out there, but I think there’s
a bigger majority of people that did something for reasons, whether they know it consciously
or unconsciously. Well, the whole system is based
on a deterrent that if we punish these people, it will deter others
from doing it, so you’re basically writing
these people off. Of course. Like we’re not going to worry
about these people, but by punishing these 10000, we’ll stop 100000
from doing the same behavior, which doesn’t work. It doesn’t work that. It definitely doesn’t work. You’ll warehouse people
in a cage, and you don’t do anything
to rehabilitate them. You don’t do anything
to teach them to make a better choice,
and then you put them right back in the situation
that they came from, and wonder why there’s
85% recidivism rate. Well, little
Abner could figure that out. It doesn’t work.
Well, why doesn’t it work? Why doesn’t seeing
someone in jail and thinking, I could go to jail,
deter people from going? Because they just can’t see
that for themselves? They just don’t think
it’ll happen to them? Well, because you’re always
the exception, right? Yeah, yeah. That guys dumb. That guys dumb.
They’ll never catch me. They’ll never catch me.
He was an idiot, I’m not. We do so many things to trick
ourselves into doing what we really want to do.
We’ll find an excuse to do it. Yeah. We’ll justify it,
and they’re different. I’m different.
It’s not the same thing. But it is.
You’re not the exception. Yeah, so rarely you are. You’re not the exception.
You’re the rule Yeah. Phil in the Blanks
is Dr. Phil’s other podcast. You have a new true
crime podcast called
Analysis of Murder by Dr. Phil. And then Phil in the Blanks
is your podcast. You have your show of course. You’re keep adding things.
I always look at you, and think of that man
is so busy. How do you,
what do you do to relax? I come by here and talk to you. This is work for, Dr. Phil. You’re working right now.
You’re on a press tour. I mean, I can’t even believe
you’re here. I feel honored that you’ve given
a moment of your time. But I enjoy sit
and talking to you. I do. Yeah, you do. I mean, can’t you tell? I can tell. You like … You wouldn’t be doing this
if you didn’t like it. I feel like you … Do you do things
you don’t like anymore? No. That’s great.
When did you get to that point? I don’t know. In your career.
I mean, don’t … When you’re coming up,
you just say yes to everything. You’re doing things that you don’t really
want to do to propel yourself. When do you go, eh. I’m not going to do anything
I don’t want to do anymore? I’ve been there
a couple of times. I was in the trial science
before, you know, courtroom sciences.
That’s what … Oops. That’s what one of my other
shows is based on, Bull. Which is on Monday nights
at 10 o’clock. Yes, another show. Yeah. Yeah, that’s based on my life
before Dr. Phil. I was in that business,
trial sciences, which is consulting
with litigation, crime, civil, whatever. And I certainly got to that
point in that business where I just simply
didn’t take cases I didn’t want to do. I probably took one out of
10 cases that was presented. We started out going
after business, and very soon
we were fielding business. Yeah, that’s nice. So, we just took the ones
that we wanted, not the ones we didn’t. And at this point, some of it,
I think, is age too. You get to the point where
it’s like life’s too short. I’m too old for this shit. Yeah. I’ll do what I want to do,
and not what I don’t. But I love what I do. Let me ask Dr. Phil this: You get a coffee
and it tastes … You spend five bucks
on a coffee. Okay. And it’s not made the way
you wanted it to be made. You take your coffee
specifically. Do you have specific
coffee orders or are you just like whatever? Well, I don’t drink coffee. Okay, well let’s say you’re
getting something that you … Yeah, I get it. You get it. You can get there.
You’re a professional. [crosstalk 00:18:30]
I’m just jacking with you. So, and it’s not up to snuff,
and the coffee shop is busy, and do you go up
and ask them to get it right, or do you just go, oh, I’m just not
going to drink it, and throw it away
and take the loss? No, I go ask them
to get it right. And why is that?
Why do you think people should? Because I want it.
Because you want it. Yeah. I mean,
if I didn’t want it, I wouldn’t have ordered it. But aren’t you being annoying? And don’t they
make minimum wage? And aren’t you making
their lives harder? All these things
we tell ourselves when you get the wrong order,
and you go, oh they put cheese in my salad. I don’t want cheese
and I didn’t ask for it, but I just don’t want
to be annoying, so I’ll just let it sit here.
And she comes back, and she goes,
did you not like this? Oh, I’m just not hungry anymore. And we just lie to them,
even though they got it wrong. No, I can be very charming. Yeah, you can do this
in a charming way. Yeah, you really can. You can fire people
in a charming way. Really?
Yeah. Oh, my god. Will you fire Andrew right now
in a charming way? [crosstalk 00:19:24] please. Please. Yeah, I mean, you really can.
You can. I felt that.
You didn’t say anything, but I feel like
I’ll be leaving soon. Yeah, you’re not
going to be back tomorrow. [crosstalk] headphones. He’s like,
you’re not even worth a word. I get it. I’m leaving. No, my attitude is
I try to make sure that people feel better
about themselves after interacting with me
than they did before. And it doesn’t matter
whether it’s a waiter or a checkout clerk at the grocery store,
or whoever. And that’s a pretty good rule,
actually. If you can engage people
in a way that they feel better
about themselves after interacting
with you than they … In a way that they feel better
about themselves after interactnig
with you than they did before, that’s going to work for you
pretty well in your life. That is a good rule to take out
that I’ll remember. So you know people
if you’re in a restaurant and it’s taking forever for them
to come take care of you. Yeah. They can walk up
and you can say, well it’s about time. First off,
I’m not doing that for somebody that’s going to take my food
behind closed doors. Yeah, that’s a good point. That ain’t going to happen. Yeah. But instead, if they walk up
and you just say, boy they should give
you skates tonight, you are really running
around here aren’t you? It’s like oh my God,
thank you for saying that. We had two people
not show up tonight. Yes. And you say, well I can tell,
but it’s okay. But we’ll tell you what we need,
but we’ll be all right, don’t worry about us. You’re going to get
the best service there. And they’re going
to appreciate you and it
just takes so little effort to make somebody feel
better about themselves and to appreciate
you doing that. I’ve noticed that the most with
when you call customer service. Because it’s always a complaint. You’re not calling
customer service because you’re having
something great happen. But what I’ve noticed
is they didn’t make the rules, so I’ve always gone in
and been like, hey I don’t want to
shoot the messenger. This is what happened
on my Delta flight. Yes. I know it’s not your fault, but I
kind of need to be compensated. I missed two flights
because of it, because of work, I didn’t …
You know what I mean? And you start to lay it out.
But you kind of let them know, I know none of this
is your fault, you answer phones. Yeah. You don’t make the rules,
but you have to … And you start to take them
kind of on a journey. And I don’t know why I’m able
to do that much better when it’s faceless. I’m able to kind of
stick up for myself. Yes. But when I see a barista
is dead inside and tired and doesn’t want to be there,
and all I think is I know this dairy’s going
to hurt my stomach. Yes. I’m just going to go.
Yup. And I do. Every time,
I’m just like I can see, it’s almost
like empathizing too much because I see her,
I was her, and I go,
why am I? I have five dollars. I’m just going to go.
I’m just going to go. There are two really important
things though that we don’t do enough in this country
and one is eye contact. People don’t look each other
in the eye enough. And use their name. Oh. That’s so good. That’s like How to Win Friends
and Influence People. Yeah. Find out their name.
Makes a big, big difference. Okay. Because you disrespect them
if they’re faceless, but if you look them in the eye
and call them by name, it makes a huge difference. What’s my name?
Nikki. What’s my name? You’re not here anymore. You did it. You did it. You’re on borrowed time. Dr. Phil everyone. I just got …
I feel a profound change because he looked me in the eye
and said my name. So I walk in and I’m all high
as fuck and I never get high
and I think it’s a party. Yeah, I mean there’s a lot
of people packed into your dorm. Wow, suddenly my dorm room
is the place to be. It’s the party town. All these girls. Yeah, it’s the hottest ticket.
I know her from the … You know,
you would look through the book? Yes. And like, oh my God,
Shelly’s here? Stacy? Everyone and you walk in,
you’re high. I know every …
I’ve circled these girls. I’m high.
I’m like party. I should’ve …
I mean this is my dream. Dream. It’s the first month of college. You’re Van Wilder.
You’re about to Van Wilder. I’m Van Wilder. And I got a pumped cock
ready to go. You pump before class. It’s pumped.
I could it 69 times. Walk in, I see my roommate reach
for the drawer and I’m like
that’s not your side, Seth. That’s not
your side of the room. It’s not his side. What are you doing on my side? Seth, what are you doing? Seth, go to your side. Oh no, that’s the drawer
that I keep my penis pump in. I’m like, that’s … You’re putting it all together He reaches
and he pulls the pump, he’s swinging it like this. He’s swing it like
David fought Goliath. He’s swinging the pump. You know when he
threw the slingshot. North Carolina,
come on and raise up. Take your penis pump
and spin it around your head, kind of like a helicopter. Like a lemon party.
Yeah. And he goes,
what the fuck is this? What is this? Yelling.
What is this? And it gets real quiet
and everyone looks at me. Is everyone laughing
and hooting and hollering. I mean what is the vibe. At this point, no one yet.
Everyone’s quiet. Everyone’s quiet? And they go, he goes, what is this?
Everyone’s looking at me because no one
really knows what it is. There’s no internet. Oh no one knows. People have an idea
of what it is. I mean it’s cylindrical, there’s a way that maybe
someone could think a penis could be involved in this? Yeah. But it inconclusive
at this point. Inconclusive. And he goes what
the fuck is this? He’s mad. I look at everyone, I just go,
hey that’s my penis pump. And that’s when the laughter …
Remember when Billy Madison when the clown falls
and breaks his head. That’s what the scene was like. The laughter on every hot girl’s
face, it was so intense. The pointing, it was, I mean everyone
was just yelling. Little dick, little dick.
That’s what I’m hearing. Your biggest fear. Yeah. Wait they are not saying that? They’re not yelling.
They’re not chanting that, but in my head that’s what
I’m hearing is tiny dick, tiny … See, I want to just stop you
right there. If I were a girl and I saw a guy
had a penis pump, I would just think
he probably has a big dick because he’s been pumping. Ugh, where were you? I wouldn’t be like oh
he has a small dick. Where were you then? But that’s what everyone
in that room was thinking, I guarantee you.
I don’t know. That’s not where
I would’ve gone. Well that’s where I went boy.
Yeah. And then I was so stoned
that I threw the pump and then it broke on the ground,
I remember. And I was like ha ha ha,
it broke, and I need it. And I was so sad.
I was like fuck. 40 bucks. 40 bucks down the drain. Did it haunt you for a while
to leave- Yeah I didn’t
leave my dorm room, I’m not kidding,
for three weeks. I was looking out the window
and be like [inaudible 00:26:09] I wanted a regular dick
suck too with no pump. And then I’d be like,
and then I’d walk down the quad, like when I finally left,
I’d be looking around, I would hide under trees if I saw a girl
that was in the room. That had been in the room
and seen your pump. Yeah. And then
I didn’t lose my virginity until the end of that year to a girl
that wasn’t in the room. Yeah. Have you ever pumped again?
No. No. I know it’s fun
to be quiet like that. I haven’t.
I would pump now. You would pump? I have no problem with the pump. It was a young thing
where it was a big thing, but now I would have sex
with a pocket pussy, a butt pussy, any- A butt pussy.
What’s a butt pussy? Like the one
that comes with a butt. Oh. I would do all of that.
I would go in a store and- I’ll take this whole wall. I’ll take the whole wall
of pumps and I’ll pump in front
of all of you because I’m secure now. And I wish that brain
was in that kid because I- Why don’t you talk to a child
at home that might be interested in purchasing a pump
and let them know … What have you learned
from … What’s changed for you
from that freshman year when you felt so embarrassed
to have that pump and you stayed inside
for three weeks because people knew
you had a penis pump? How have you gotten
to this point where you would pump
in front of anyone now? In fact, he goes and pumps
in front of freshman at college every year
in honor of this event that happened to him
to celebrate it and to honor it. He’ll go pump in front
of an entire school. An entire class, right? Yes I do that. I do that. This is what happens,
when you get older, you realize certain things
are important. Okay? And then when you end up getting
defeated over and over again, horrible things happen to you, you start putting things
in perspective. Perspective is very important.
At that time when I was 18, the worst thing
that ever happened to me, well I got stabbed. But other than that
was the penis pump. So I didn’t have
other things … And my parents’ divorce.
That was sad. And my grandpa died
and we killed a snake once. Well that died actually
a couple years … But the pump was bad and I
didn’t have perspective then, but now that my life
is in shambles, I was a dog walker, I’m in debt, I have Q-tips used in my pockets
sometimes. I don’t clean my sheets.
I don’t have all my teeth. What else is wrong with me? You mispronounce things
all the time? I mispronounce words because- You have a speech impediment.
I have speech impediments. You often will have your stomach
hanging out. My stomach will hang out sometimes like that
and then my hair- And he won’t even know. It’ll just be a 39 year old man
with his stomach like this. So my point is that now,
a pump isn’t that big of a deal. So turn your life into shambles.
Get into some trouble out there. Get anal fissures. And then the pump
won’t be so bad bro.

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