Happy No Nut November & RIP Astrologer Walter Mercado | DESUS & MERO | SHOWTIME

Happy No Nut November & RIP Astrologer Walter Mercado | DESUS & MERO | SHOWTIME


[MUSIC PLAYING] Whoo! Whoo. [APPLAUSE] All right, all right,
all right, let’s go do it. Good to see you. Y’all survived Halloween,
you know what I’m saying? Anyone got hit with eggs?
No? Good deal. Making sure. I’m sorry I didn’t
hit you with egg and bring down your
Halloween experience. [INTERPOSING VOICES] That was my real hair. [LAUGHTER] No, it’s underneath the hat.
I just can’t take the hat off. It’s like Jadakiss. Remember Jadakiss
had a baldy forever, and then came out of nowhere
with like a dark Caesar. People were like, what the fuck? That’s us. We’re just pretending
to be bold until we just come out with hair
like, shock the world. You know what I’m saying? (LAUGHING) Very low stakes! Zero stakes. Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, sure. That’s about like,
nut allergies? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] No pecans for me. Nope. No pistachios, no almonds. That’s a– come on,
no nuts all of November? Like, be like No Nut Monday. [LAUGHTER] Or shit, No Nut 1 o’clock. No Nut half an hour. You’re going to go a whole
month without– who made that? That sounds like
some shit Russia is doing to upset the election. [LAUGHTER] Can’t have sex, masturbate,
or nut in any way. Or nut in any
way, shape, or form. Watching pornography and
having boners are allowed, but you can’t nut.
Why would you– [LAUGHTER] [INTERPOSING VOICES] –give yourself
blue balls on– you’re only allowed
one wet dream. If you have more than one,
then you consider yourself out? What the fuck is this, baseball? [LAUGHTER] Just looking at the ump
like, yo, what the fuck, what is this? First of all, they
could have just– this didn’t need to be a list. The last one could
have just been it. Look, man, just don’t nut. Just don’t nut in 25 days. –in 30 days. That’s it, very simple rules. Destroy Dick December. [LAUGHTER] OK. So there you like,
just fast for November, then you go mad
hard in December? [INTERPOSING VOICES] I got the starter log. [LAUGHTER] Also, what will– well, yeah, Thanksgiving–
you don’t really have sex on Thanksgiving, right? I mean, it depends. Y’all don’t, right? [LAUGHTER] I mean, I will have sex. –and them potatoes– them
mashed potatoes is good, baby. MERO: That’s what I’m saying. I don’t have sex, I just
lay back and get sexed. [LAUGHTER] Because I’m too full. – Oh!
– You know what I’m saying? I’m just like, ah, I can’t move. Just go, just go
and do your thing. [LAUGHTER] And squeezing my butt
cheeks together and shit. [LAUGHTER] Oh, there you go, brannnggt,
you know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER]
Y’all know that trick. Don’t act– and why Alex
the only one laughing? Like, y’all don’t know– You know why Alex is laughing? Because Alex is a nasty dude. Yes, this is your boy,
you know what I’m saying? [INTERPOSING VOICES]
– Alex is nasty. We’ve ruined Alex’s
reputation before by the way. I know when Alex be
walking in the street, like, people hide their
kids from him and shit. [LAUGHTER] Nah, Alex Tinder’s
fucking is lit now, boy. You’ll be in
restaurants, and other guys look at him like, yeah. Yes, my fucking guy! They’re like, yeah! He’s like, yo, he’s so brave. I may AirDrop you a file. [LAUGHTER] He’s like, you’re a hero, dog. Thank you for your service. [LAUGHTER] No Nut November. How many days in November? 30?
– Damn! MERO: 30? Of not ejac– DESUS: Of not nutting? –like ejaculating? Let me go check
my spreadsheet. Like, how would– [LAUGHTER] Like, I’m very aware,
because I get like– you know how people get hangry? I get like that,
but like with my dick. So it’s like, if
I don’t bust a nut in like a certain
amount of time, I get like very
wound up and upset. So it’s probably like a week,
maybe without busting a nut. Manually, or like
analog with a partner. [LAUGHTER] I love how other
shows are starting– and they’re probably talking
about like, Trump being impeached, global warming. No, no, Mero nutting. You know what I’m saying? Just Mero’s need to nut. (LAUGHING) You
know what I’m saying? And we got to do it.
You got to nut. You know what I’m saying?
– See, that’s why– [INTERPOSING VOICES] –maybe, but you
tie it all together. Because maybe if
Donald Trump nutted, we wouldn’t be in this mess,
you know what I’m saying? Maybe he would be more
relaxed, and like– you know what I’m saying?– centered. You know? Yeah. Maybe if he nutted–
maybe if he nutted. Give it up for
MSNBC Mero over here. Align his chakras
you what I’m saying? Has one conversation
with Bernie Sanders, now he’s on some politics shit. MERO: You know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] Shit. I know after I nut,
I am very jovial, you know what I’m saying? I’m just like, yo,
what’s up, guys? Let’s have fun. You want to play Mario Kart? Let’s do it! You know what I’m saying? How could you be mad
after you bust a nut? No, I’m thinking about next
year, when they which shows are getting Emmys. I’ll remember this episode. [LAUGHTER] If you don’t, then
you’re anti-black. Big joker! Give me the book. Walter Mercado was a very
important part of any Latino household growing up. Because he would tell your
titi how much money she was going to make, if she
was going to get ass, you know what saying? And like, her future and
everything like that. And you had to shut the fuck up. Because back then,
there was no DVR, and couldn’t do
50 second rewind. So if you were Taurus and you
miss your horoscope, it’s done. [LAUGHTER] Till the next day, you
know what I’m saying? And the guy was an
icon and a legend. Rest in peace, Walter Mercado,
you know what I’m saying? He kind of looked
like an auntie. He does. Yeah, he got the
wild auntie flow. Shout out to him for being
mad wild you know what I’m saying– gender-fluid
that early in the game, you know what I’m saying? Pioneering that shit. Had the Liberace
swag on a million. You know what I’m saying? Look at that shit, bro! The cape game was
immaculate, looking like my grandmother’s drapes. Wow. Look at the flow he’s crazy. You know what I’m saying. Look at my son right here. He’s like, yo, Dr. Strange who? [LAUGHTER] You know what I’m saying. Fuck out of here. My man’s like a Marvel
hero right there. Captain Puerto Rico. Wow. Salute. RIP, yo. All my titis in
shambles right now, bro. I had to turn down my
Whatsapp notifications off. I didn’t even know
he was still alive. That’s crazy. Well, not so, Her kind of looks like
Hillary Clinton if she went to a really bad makeup artist. You know what I’m saying? [SPEAKING SPANISH] You know what? Google Jocelyn Wildenstein. Cat lady. That’s who he kind
of looked like. He looks like the halfway point. Y’all know about
Jocelyn Wildenstein? Super rich lady, and she was
like, I got a lot of money, so I’m going to look like a cat. I’m going to butcher
my entire gram. So this is what
she looks like. Yeah, yeah. Oof, OK. – Meow!
– Eesh! Goddamn! Yeah. But she did interviews, she
was like– she doesn’t care people feel about her look. Clearly. I mean shit. If she did, she should be– you know. Who, Walter Mercado? Walter Mercado? Probably– in I would
say 200 million pesos? – $5 million.
– $5 million – See?
– Wow! – See?
– Is that– See?
Look at that! Damn. Look at that. If you was fucking
Walter, you know, Merchant– you know
what I’m saying– you’d probably making $50 million. That’s right. Preach, Mero. Yeah, yeah! [LAUGHTER] Fuck. Respect my man, you
know what saying? Mero’s Dominican Deray. [LAUGHTER] Yo! Watch him throw
on a blue vest. Stay in there with y’all. You know what I’m saying? North Face bubble vest out here. Oh! Yeah. Taurus? Yeah. [LAUGHTER] Fuck with the
bull, get the horns. Yeah. Nobody does. Nobody does. All right, this
has been translated. Taurus, son of Venus, son
of sensuality of pleasure– Sounds good. Well, this directly
conflicts with No Nut November. [LAUGHTER] I’s kind of wild. It was like a challenge. [INTERPOSING VOICES] He was like, yo, I’m
going leave this earth. But before I leave, I will
leave you with this challenge. You know what I’m saying? [LAUGHTER] It’s terrible. Do not jerk off Also, for the record, I
already used my one wet dream. [LAUGHTER] Does that count
for No Nut November. Acutally, I was just
playing the Knicks play game, and I don’t know, baby. I’ll see RJ’s waving. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Next thing you know, I
had to wash the sheets. I got eight minutes, yo! [FARTING NOISE] Oh! [LAUGHTER] I heard that
Friday night Knicks song, and was like oh yeah! I gotta get that? Fast as I can. Oh jeez! Oh. Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah, let’s start
this goddamn show! Whoo! [APPLAUSE] Whoo. [MUSIC PLAYING]

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