Hi, my name is Benito Skinner. This is the last snatch
of my gay life. I think it’s probably
what it is. I went to college.
Senior year came. No idea why I still remained
in the closet at that point. I remember thinking to myself, “Let’s try this girl thing
one last time. How hard can it be?” Hard. So hard. I go to this party.
I’m talking to this girl. She looked like Lana Del Rey,
like a little bit. Enough. And we go back to her apartment. We’re making out. Yeah, it was good. All of a sudden
she pulls away from me. Oh, fuck yes,
like I can go home. She just looked at me
and in the most seductive tone she could muster, “Why don’t you just go down
there and eat my snatch?” Wait, say that again. “Why don’t you just go down
there and eat my snatch?” Eat my snatch. Girl, what the fuck?
Okay, so I’m gay. Like this is just
absolutely like we are done. Get me the fuck
out of the closet. Like this is a nightmare. When face to face
with her snatch, it reminds me of when I
played football in high school. It was just like me
doing the absolute most to remain in the closet. My really red-faced,
Mormon coach, he goes, “I got a question for you boys. Do you boys want
some titty milk? Do you want some titty milk? ‘Cause I’m not your mama
but I am your daddy. Now get out there
and show me something.” Why the fuck am I doing this? I’m not a quitter.
I got that titty milk. Bam, buckle down mother fucker,
you got one last snatch to eat. This is it.
We’re going to do this one time. I did. I did the deed. I hated it so, so, so much. And then, after,
I just pretended to fall asleep. I can’t wait to send this
to my parents. They’re going to love it. The next morning,
I woke up in her bed. I must’ve done
like a decent job. She’s in her like anthropology
like duvet cover and she’s just like,
“Morning, champ.” But you have no idea
what a champ I am. You’re talking to
an absolute all-star. I got out of the bed, fucking hauled ass
out of that apartment. I sitcomed out of that room. Like I just like got my jeans
and like booked it. Like I just like
roadrunnered out of there. I invited my best friend
to go eat Chipotle and I came out to her. This could be
a branded video you guys. The best place to come out
is Chipotle. Three years later, I was going
to like one of those really like not the point
of yoga yoga classes. I’m sitting there like
doing like my ujjayi breath, just like…
In walks the teacher. It was the girl.
The last snatch of my gay life. Namaste. I asked her back.
I wanted her back. No. I was not about to eat
another snatch ever again. I love women though, but yeah, no, I don’t want
to eat your snatches. I kind of want
a titty milk latte right now, I think.