The Secret Lives of Women: A Man’s Astrological Guide to Love and Intimacy

The Secret Lives of Women: A Man’s Astrological Guide to Love and Intimacy


– Hello, everyone, and
welcome to Erotic Book Club, the book club where we read erotic books. I am your host, Jess. With me, as always, is Rekha. – Hello. – Thank you all so much for being here, whether you are listening,
wherever you get your podcasts, whether you’re watching on CH2 or whether you are
choosing our favorite way to be a part of our book club, if you are a member of DROPOUT. When you subscribe to
DROPOUT, not only do you get to watch all the programming that we have. Gods of Food just came out. (cheering) We have a ton of shows coming
up too, brand new ones. You get to hear all of the other podcasts, Tales from the Closet, Adventure Academy. And, one of our favorites parts about being a DROPOUT subscriber, you get to be a part of the Discord, where we get to talk to fans directly, members of our book club. I have some of my favorite
quotes since last time. BGC says, “Just wanted
to throw this out there. “I never really read erotica
or listen to podcasts “yet still enjoy the hell
out of Erotic Book Club, “so good job,” which I just
thought was very sweet. – [Rekha] That’s very nice. Thank you so much. – And then, we also had a new member. JMP said, “I listened to an
episode last night, loved it. “I’m a convert.”
– [Rekha] Yes. – They weren’t quite sure how
they were gonna feel about it, and we won them over.
– Welcome to our religion. – And then, Miles, pronouns
he him, does a ton of fan art, not only we were very blessed to have him do an Erotic Book Club one, but I’m big fan of his and also see all of his fan art that’s for d20. He’s just a really incredible artist. “Rekha and Jess asked for Cindy “and Alice 69ing while standing up, “so A Pose Reference from
Lesbian Standing 69 Blondes. “A simply terrible video title.” – [Rekha] Oh my god. – And, I won’t show it right now because I didn’t get
his permission to share, but if you’re on the
Discord, you can see it. – [Rekha] Check it out. – And, it is a beautiful picture of a woman holding another woman, 69ing. – [Rekha] Yes. – Which, the upper body
strength you’d need. – Truly, that core strength to not either curve your back this way or cave, that’s very admirable.
– Yeah. (laughs) – And then, still relax
enough to enjoy it. – Yeah.
– Yes, yeah, that’s the thing. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Exactly.
– Very true. So, thank you so much for
being a part of our Discord, and then yeah, let’s
get this thing started. We read a book this week,
“The Secret Lives of Women, “A Man’s Astrological Guide
to Love and Intimacy,” by Lysa London. So, we knew to be able
to understand this book that we were gonna have
to bring in some experts. – Yes.
– We are so very lucky to have with us an expert in love, Denise. – Hello.
– You know, Mrs. Doubtfire, the first other expert
you think of in love. – Hello. – We are also lucky to
have another expert here. He is an expert in astrology
and queer astrology, yes? – Yeah.
– So, please welcome Jed.Eye. – Hello.
– Jed? – Hello. – Thank you, okay, and thank you. (laughter) Everyone comes on and does a Mrs. Doubtfire
impression immediately. – It’s the hottest thing
you can think of doing. – Possibly, have that cream
drip into your coffee. – Yeah.
– Yum. – For those of you listening,
we are very spoiled today. We’ve been brought wine. We’re all enjoying some wine.
– Yes. – We have some erotic outfits on. – Yes, for our DROPOUT viewers, you are going to see some erotic
as hell outfits right now. What Denise is wearing is incomparable. – Yeah. – Jed looks like the hottest
business man you’ll ever see that’s also ready to go. I am wearing a leather poncho. (laughter) And, Jess has cute little
Peggy Bundy fuzzy heals. – Yes, courtesy of Denise. – Yeah.
– Yeah, I feel more ready for love already. – Yes, you have to take it in, and we also have some crystals here, guys. – Yes.
– Super important. – I was gonna ask, what is the purpose of the
crystals being here today? – So, first of all, I want
us to all open up for this. – Yeah.
– This podcast. This is a special event.
– Yeah. (laughs) – You’ve opened your hearts to me, and I just wanna make
sure that you guys know that I appreciate you. – Oh.
– Oh my god. – This course is
definitely a love sort of. Not inducing, it’s a
helper, it’s a helper stone. – [Jess] Wow. – So, it helps with relationships
and matters of the heart and, you know, openness
around those relationships and matters of the heart. (laughter) – [Rekha] Wow.
– [Jess] Wow. – I think it tells you,
are you hitting the G spot. You ask.
– [Jess] The crystal? – Like a Magic 8 Ball.
– Yeah, yeah. – You say, “Am I hitting the G spot?” – Am I hitting the G spot?
– And, it goes, “I’m a rock.” (laughter) – Yes. (laughter) – We have wanted Denise
and Jed on for a while. They do makeup here at CollegeHumor, and we absolutely love them.
– Yes. – We knew we needed a very special book, and they’re both very into astrology. – Yes. – So, we handpicked this
book for our dear friends. – Yes. – Oh, also, I have some
gifts for everybody. – This is crazy. – [Rekha] This is truly
insane, this is great. – Okay, so let me see if I can pull this out of my sex pocket in the back. – Okay. – All right, starting with Jess. – [Rekha] Jess, oh my god. – Straight from Denise’s sex pocket. (laughter) – That’s like Santa. That’s where he pulls it.
– Santa. – Okay.
– Jess! – What is it?
– Jess, it’s actually. – Oh.
– [Rekha] Oh. (laughter) – [Jed] What is it?
– Really? – [Rekha] It’s the type of underwear where you can see the crack of your butt. – [Jed] Oh.
– You’re whispering. (laughter) – Yeah, so whisper into the mic, Rekha, so nobody can hear you. – I think those are called something. – Are they called assless undies? – They’re assless undies.
– Assless undies. – They’re assless undies, crotchless. – Kate is gonna love these.
– Exactly. – She loves my ass.
– Exactly. – This was so thoughtful.
– This is, yeah. Again, this is me coming full circle to give you as much love as you need. – [Rekha] That’s beautiful.
– Thank you so much. – Can I see it? So, I see here that this is, you know. And, I won’t show that again. This is assless undies. I thought it was a bralette
from the other way. – [Denise] I love they had to say undies. – Can I wear it as a bralette? Because I do like bralettes a lot, too. All right, all right. – Let me put this is my sex pocket. Back into the sex pocket. – [Rekha] It’s just like
a hole in their dress. (laughter) – And, guys, these are hand picked. – [Rekha] Hand made, hand picked. – Hand picked, hand made,
straight out the sex pocket. – [Rekha] Yeah. – There’s also a sex
pocket factory in there. – [Rekha] Oh my god. – So, Rekha is very
practical, and we just before. (laughter) – Oh my god.
– Let me see it. (laughter) – Wow, I feel very called out. This is vagina wipes. – [Denise] Yes! (laughter) – And, I literally, just
before this podcast, was like, “I like to brush my teeth
after being intimate. – [Denise] Yes.
– Wow. – Very practical, that is definitely you. I don’t know. Well, I think you will use it. Also, I’m not sure if that’s going to mess up the vaginal flora. – [Rekha] The pH?
– Yeah. – Is it not made for it? – It’s made for it, but all that stuff is, you know, who knows? Who knows what’s in that? – All right.
– Bovine, hide, and chemicals. – Listen next time, and
we can get back to you how the wipes work.
– Yes. Yeah, I’ll tell you exactly
the pH of my vagina next week. – [Jess] Like a pool. – If she comes back
with a yeast infection, it’s not my fault.
– [Jed] No, no. – No, it’s probably something else. – You put coconut oil in there afterwards and a saline solution, and you’re good. The pH is back to normal. – [Denise] Yes.
– What? – Scientifically proven.
– Jed is an expert at crevices and stuff like that. – [Rekha] Coconut oil.
– [Jed] On your crevices. – Also a crevice exert?
– [Jed] They’re great. – On top of being an astrological. – Saline solution some people
use on their contact lenses. – Yes. – You can also use it
in your contact pussy. – [Jed] Yeah. – My third eye is in my vagina. (laughter) – All right, well, let’s get to this book. – Last but not least.
– No, don’t. – Oh, wait, Jed! I’m so sorry.
– Sorry, sorry, sorry. Well, I mean, he’s not
the host of the show, but he also can get, yo whatever. It is just a rainbow suck a dick thing. – This is very heavy. – This is perfect because I’m single now. – [Denise] Yeah, yeah.
– [Jess] This is perfect. – [Denise] And, you can switch it. – I’m sorry I’m holding it.
– [Denise] Top in, bottom in, top in, bottom in.
– That is so heavy. – Wow, this is heavy duty.
– Yeah. – For heavy duty.
– Licking? – Single nights? I don’t know. – [Jess] Is every color
a different flavor? – Probably, I would think so. – That’s why I don’t discriminate and just go for all the flavors. – This is a polypop instead of a lollypop. – Polypop. (laughter) – Jed, is that funny or is it bad? – That’s bad.
– Oh, fuck, I’m sorry. (laughter) – Okay, are we ready
to get into this book? – Ready. – So, “The Secret Lives of Women, “A Man’s Astrological Guide
to Love and Intimacy.” This isn’t so much your
traditional narrative. It goes by each sign and lets
you know a bit about them. So, we’ll start with Aquarius. – Please. – Some of the things about the sign. A little snobbish, a little boujee, does not tolerate rudeness. You better treat this woman like a lady. If you’re looking to just
get laid, find another sign. – Yes, she believes in magic. (laughter) – Real magic. (laughs) – She’s a total idiot. She insists on having a mate. You have to tell her
she’s got a banging body. She loves those compliments, and she loves some expensive
comforters and sheets. – Yes. – Some suggestions of where
to take her on a first date. A talent show. (laughter) – Yes, or an art museum. She’s a private person, so
don’t be all up in her business. – Don’t do it. – So, each section kind of has
a little bit about the woman. – [Rekha] Yeah. – Where you can take her or how a good way to approach her is. And then, the exact words of the book, “How to sex the Aquarius woman.” – [Rekha] Yes. – So, once you get her going,
she’s down for whatever. She’s a super freak. She’s into super freaky stuff.
– [Rekha] Yeah. – She puts her needs of
her man ahead of her own. She loves giving oral, and you
can put your semen anywhere. – [Rekha] Yeah. – She’ll do anal, and
you stand a good chance of getting sympathy pussy from her. If you cry on her shoulder,
you might just get lucky. But, that also lends
itself to lonely old men. And, lonely lesbian
women are sometimes able to play on her sympathetic nature. – What do we think of this, guys? – I’ve dated plenty of Aquarius. – Yeah. – Not women, but yeah.
– You think this is true? – I can sort of see that.
– [Jess] This is accurate. – Yeah.
– [Denise] Absolutely. – You think so, too?
– [Jess] Both of you. – I mean, they’re freaky. – Yeah, so Aquariuses are
known for being sort of, not necessarily wanderers,
but sort of a cross between, and correct me if I’m wrong, queer expert. A cross between
philosophers and wanderers. – [Jed] Yeah.
– So, in a group, we’re at the mall, right. It’s a group of folks at the mall. An Aquarius is like on a
scaffold looking above. – Like a gargoyle?
– Yes, yes. (laughter) – Yes.
– Just like men. – Like a gargoyle. – “What is life, what is love? “I don’t even know what I like. “I don’t even know who I am.” – So, like a pain in the ass.
– Yeah. – Yeah, that sounds
super fucking annoying. – Did you enjoy dating this person? – Yeah, they were very up in the clouds. – [Denise] Yes. – You know, they were just weird. – It’s like the dawning
of the age of Aquarius? Does that play into this at all? It has, I guess I think
of, a 70s hippy vibe. Is that accurate at all?
– Kind of, yeah. – That’s interesting. – If you think of the 90s, you know how the 90s had that sticker with the smiley face
and the little aliens. That’s Aquarius. (laughter) – Sometimes you can’t find Aquariuses. – [Jess] They’re like a Hot Topic? – Ew.
– [Jess] Your opinion. – They’re a Spencer’s.
– [Rekha] I’m sorry. I mean, allegedly. – [Jess] Allegedly ew.
– Allegedly ew. – One of my favorite Aquariuses. The only time that I
hear him talk about sex. The only time I heard him talk about love, he said sometimes he’s
in brothels in Mexico. (laughs) He started the conversation
out of nowhere, so I remember chopping carrots. And, he’s like, “You know that feeling “just as you’re about to
cum in someone’s mouth? “You feel like you really love them.” (laughs) You know who you are. – You know who you are. – He doesn’t care about, and
that’s another Aquarius trait, that they don’t necessarily know if they wanna start families
or any of that stuff. They just kind of like, “I’m out here. “I’m still trying to figure
it out,” at 95 years old. Like, listen, you’re not, you know. – [Jed] Right. – Just go ahead and wait a minute. As a woman, you should just go ahead and continue to be super freaky. Funny story, really quickly. And, I won’t. That song. – “Super Freak?”
– That goes, “Jesus freaks out in the streets.” Being a kid, because I didn’t
know any other definition of freak, I thought they
meant Jesus was super freaky like he was freaking in the streets. I thought he had his dick out. I thought he was.
– [Rekha] He might have. We don’t know.
– [Jed] Yeah. – We don’t know. – Sometimes you have
to ask certain things. – I think he was like an Aquarius. – Was he an aquarius?
– Yeah. – Isn’t his birthday December 25th? – Yeah, he’s not an Aquarius.
– So, he would be a Capricorn. – He’s a Capricorn. – But, he’s definitely a hippy, you know. – So, we’ll get to Jesus’s sign. – Yeah, later. – So, it does say, each chapter also gives you a recommendation if you really wanna get
this person hot and wild. For the Aquarius, it’s
rub warm oil very gently on her calves and ankles to get her hot. – [Rekha] Yes. – Now, did you ever try that with any of your Aquarius lovers? Rub warm oil?
– I would never do that. – I got to third base doing that. – Rubbing oils?
– Rubbing their ankles? – Yeah. – This particular person’s ankles? – Yeah.
– The Aquarius ankle? – Yeah.
– And, they liked it? – Yeah, they loved it, but
they loved anything I would do. – Oh!
– Oh! – But, then they ghosted me.
– Uh, oh. – Oh.
– Damn. – If you’ve got a ghost in your life, that’s a fucking Aquarius. – You got gargoyled, they
went back up to their perch. (laughter) They flew away.
– They gargoyled me. – Yeah, you’re a
gargoyle, turn into stone. – They’re the mall gargoyle.
– Mall gargoyle. Mall gargoyle, mall cop. (laughter) – All right, moving on. We’ve got a lot of signs. So, Pisces. – Ugh!
– Pisces, uh oh. – I love Pisces.
– They’re garb, ugh. – Pisces know the art of
seduction and plays games well. They’re deep down wants
a hip hop alpha male. Deliver passion and sex. Attracts crazies. Don’t make her get a restraining order. – Yeah, good wife material. Not good with money.
– Yes. – Appeal to her art. For instance, talk about hip hop. She can physically and
mentally seduce you. It was weird that she was the only sign that specifically mentioned
really any type of music, and that everyone who is
an Aquarius loves hip hop. – Yes.
– Pisces, Pisces. – Oh, Pisces, sorry. Which one did I say? I said Aquarius again. She’s a rider, she likes to be on the top. Put a mirror next to the bed because she loves looking at herself. – Yeah. – She’ll scratch and bite,
so have some alcohol wipes. She has some dominatrix tendencies. – Is that not Aries? – Am I reading the wrong one?
– Maybe I’m wrong. – I feel like the mirror thing is Aries. – There might be more than one. – Like a crossover.
– Maybe. – No, only Aries liked a mirror. – Because Aries, yeah, I think this. – Wait, does she like musty
balls or which one is she? – No, she doesn’t like musty balls. – You got it?
– Okay, so I think I do. – You do, okay. You’re fine, you’re fine.
– Yes. – But, does yours, it doesn’t matter. – Denise also bought the
hard copy of this book. – You’re god damned right I did. – Does the Pisces like to, nibble or blow into her ear
to get her juices flowing? – [Rekha] I thought that was the Aries. – Okay.
– I might be on the wrong one. – Let’s see, she enjoys
action in the bedroom. She’s eager to satisfy men. – She will say yes to anal,
and you should suck her toes. But, wash them first.
– [Denise] Yes. You got to wash them first.
– Yeah. – [Jess] I don’t have that for her. – And, she gets hornier
the closer she gets to her monthly cycle.
– [Denise] Yes. – Okay. (laughter) No.
– But, the thing is. – Yeah.
I’m confused about this idea. “She likes giving oral sex
and goes beyond the norm, “licking, tasting, and teasing your body “in all the right places.” – [Rekha] So, you’re
asking what’s the norm? – Yeah.
– It’s missionary. – The norm on your back
fucking three feet away and blowing in the direction of a penis. – So, yeah, the way it makes
it sound is like the norm for oral sex is different
than licking and etc. – Yeah.
– So, that is very funny. You know, like the norm. You’re 50 feet away, and you
call the penis on the phone. – And, you talk for hours. – Hours and hours about your doing oral. (laughter) – Wait, I see, I had to flip the page. It’s double sided. Okay, my apologies.
– You’re back on track. Jess is back on track.
– Yeah. – Pisces has excellent mothering skills. She would be good wife material. – Yes. – She’s eager to satisfy her man, will say yes to anal
faster than any other sign. So, if you’re a big anal fan.
– Yes! Okay.
– Why the hard yes? – I was just imagining.
– I just said hi, ma’am. – Get in me.
– Get in my ass. – Yeah, sucking on her
toes is her weakness, but wash them first.
– Definitely wash them. She doesn’t know where
the fuck she’s been. She’s a fucking hog. – And also, hide the liquor
because she can’t handle it. – Do we know any Pisces? – Yes.
– Yes we do. – Yes we do.
– You guys know Pisces. Is a Pisces, she loves anal. (laughter) – Allegedly, we can’t confirm that, and we don’t know who that is. I trying to think of any
Pisces that I know very well. – I dated a Pisces.
– Yeah? – And, it actually was a girl.
– Yeah. – And, the feet thing is very accurate. – Oh my god! This is crazy.
– [Jess] Did you wash them? – Jed!
– [Jess] Oh, no. – Jed, okay, another thing, too. – You should’ve read this book first. – [Jed] I know, I messed up.
– Can I say your feet thing? Or, no?
– [Jed] Yeah, what? – Jed loves feet.
– [Jed] I do like feet. – You do?
– He likes puppy feet, he likes cat feet, he likes people feet. – Wait.
– Oh my god. Okay, but not in a sexual way. – What are we talking about? – You think feet are cute.
– No, more than that. – No.
– He sucks on cat paws. – No, after they’ve been
in the kitty litter box, of course, you know.
– Yeah, you like feet, great. – Yeah, I like feet, but, I
mean, puppy feet smell cute. They smell like Frito Lays. – We are talking about two
different things, right? – Yeah, very different things. – We’re talking about cute
animal stuff, and then, sexually, you also like feet.
– Yes, right. – I don’t know that
there’s that big of a line. – [Jed] There is a very thick line. – I love little dog butts.
– [Denise] Yeah. – And, I’m touching little dog butts. – [Denise] Let’s see what that
says, you’re coming up next. – [Jed] Are you into anal? – No. – [Denise] You’re coming up next, Aries. – I think you’re secretly into anal. – No, that’s Pisces. – We’ll wait until we get to your sign. – Yes! (laughter) – You had an audible reaction when you heard that it was Pisces. What don’t you like about Pisces? – Yeah, I mean water and fire, and they’re the wateriest of water. – They slip through your hands. – We should have all said
our own signs as well. I’m a Sagittarius.
– I’m a Sagittarius. – I’m an Aries.
– And, I’m an Aries. – Yes. – The Capulets and the Montagues. – We are all fire. – We’re all fire, we’re all compatible. – Also, we are made up of
pretty much everything. – Every element, yeah. – So, my rising is Scorpio,
and that’s a very watery. – Freak. – That’s a watery, freaky sign, allegedly. – But, the thing is, the Pisces,
I think, are the wateriest. – Yeah. – Pisces are, you know, yeah, can’t do it. Did you read their personality parts? – Of Pisces? – Can we get our queer
expert to take it away? And, I’ll tell you, I hate
everything he’s about to say. – I mean, Cancers, which
are the other water sign, are very emotional, but they’re a little more grounded than Pisces. Pisces is very like, “I’m in dream world. “This is, look at these.” – Sounds like a nightmare.
– Watery things. – [Jess] In a different way than Aquarius. – Guys, if you have a Pisces in your life, tell me if I’m wrong, they
have sharp fucking tongues, and as soon as they spit some stuff off and you try to confront them, they go cry. Then, they turn back into water. and that’s what I can’t stand. – I’m trying to think of a
Pisces in my life right now. – “Easily hurt by harsh words.” – Yes.
– It does say that. – Not even harsh words.
– Insecure. – Yes, they can be. This woman is a genius, basically. – That’s Lysa London?
– Lysa London. Lysa Right Eye London is a genius. – I really don’t know many Pisces. – I just don’t know people’s
signs to even know or say. – I know mine and Kate’s. – Think of all the bitches
you know in your life. They’re probably Pisces. – Oh my god, wait a minute.
– No, Pisces are very dreamy. – “A Beautiful Mind.” A bitch, she’s a bitch and he’s a bitch. – Can we get some math graphics? – We love our Pisces, by the way. – No, definitely, I love all the signs. I’m not, it’s, yeah.
– Sure. – All right, now shall we get to something that hits close to home? – Yeah.
– Aries. – A tough nut to crack, restless spirit, reckless mouth, quick temper. Won’t calm down until
she knocks someone out. I mean, if that’s not Rekha. You’re swinging.
– I like to wipe myself after. – A romantic, loves to be in love, opinionated, bossy, sleeps naked. – Absolutely not. – Meet her at NASCAR,
football, or the casino. – I’ve never been to any one of those. – She’s a wildcat. 150 years ago, she would
have been a cowgirl. – Cowgirl, I do love cows. (laughter) – I love assless chaps.
– Yeah, okay. – Well, hey. – I should’ve brought some for you. – So, before I let these
Sagittariuses rip us to shreds, did you resonate with any of it, Jed? – This was also the ones
I was saying earlier. – Yes.
– I was reading the wrong one. The rider, likes the
mirror, scratches you, dominatrix, stick a dildo in my eye. – Catch a tiger by the toe. (laughter) – I do like the mirror, by the bed. – Really?
– Yeah. – Interesting, by my
bed, but that’s not why. It’s because it didn’t go anywhere else. – Yeah, and usually that’s the case. – Really, it didn’t go
anywhere else, Aries? I’m pretty sure you’ve got
four fucking walls, Aries. You could’ve put it, oh, wait. All the walls surround you bed. – I know, my bed’s in
the middle of the room, so yeah, you’ve been to my house. – You freaky (mumbles). – I put it on the ceiling. There was no where else to put it. And, I sleep fucking naked,
and I don’t use comforters. – No, I definitely have
to sleep with clothes on. – Yeah, me, too.
– Because it feels weird. – I never sleep naked. – Even in summer, it’s just weird. – Yeah.
– I need a blanket. – Me, too. – Otherwise, a demon will
come and pull my leg at night. – Yeah, it doesn’t feel right. – [Jess] Which ones did
you guys find accurate? – Mirror.
– Mirror, okay. I found, I do have a
temper, and I am very, I’m not opinionated in
the way I think it means, but I get very annoyed when people have what I think are wrong opinions. What else?
– Because you boss dot. – Yeah.
– You boss dot. – The part it said eat
your Wheaties when you go. I love cereal.
– [Denise] Yeah, you do. – This thing gets me.
– Yeah, I do have a temper. I did not relate to spends
today and worries later. I don’t do that. – I don’t keep alcohol next to the bed. – Me either, I have a lot
of ointments and stuff. – Yeah, same.
– And, bandaids. – Do you like the advice at the end? A nibble or blow into her ear
to get her juices flowing? – You know, it’s a little
loud when people blow in your. – Yeah.
– I’m like, “Ah!” – Like what the fuck are you doing? – And, they’re going like this. (blows loudly) – Oh, baby. – So, I know your brother’s
valedictorian, and he was. – [Rekha] Me?
– Yeah. – [Rekha] It’s so hard to
tell who you’re looking at. – Exactly, that’s the fucking point. I’m asleep, guys.
– [Rekha] Oh my god. – This stood out to me.
– [Rekha] Uh, oh. – If she was in high school,
because you never were, she’d be voted most
likely to be blindfolded and handcuffed by her man, no her man. – I was actually runner
up most spontaneous. – Yes.
– It does say lots of energy. – It is not true, I’m very planned. That’s interesting. I don’t think I would
like to be handcuffed. Yeah, what about you, Jed? – I hate being handcuffed.
– Yeah. – But too, guys, the thing is, we know that Aries are in charge. And, Aries like to control
the flow of things. Be the control strong or
subtle, so maybe it’s not that. Maybe it’s you wanting to cuff the fuck out of somebody else. – [Jess] Denise, you should write a book. – You should.
– I already have. – [Rekha] My name is Denysa London. – Yeah, Denysa London. Take off the glasses. – What were you gonna say, Jed? – I do enjoy beating
people with paddle belts. – Yeah, okay. – [Denise] But, he hates it in return. – But, if it’s done to me, I
hate it, and I will punch you. – Yeah. – He’ll change the mood real quick. – Yeah. – I do like when people take
a little more physical control in the sense that my
strength is conversation. I’m very good at
conversation, so I do like. – Do you talk during?
– No. – [Denise] You can’t talk with
a dick in your mouth, kids. – I just meant, in the day to day. (laughter) – [Jess] We should have
a nice conversation. – Yeah, I’m good at that, so I don’t mind if someone
takes the wheel romantically. But, yeah, I relate to a lot of the emotional personality
things in daily life if this describes temper
and things like that. – But, not, you would not. That was a highlight of mine. I was really hoping to get further into knowing you in the
friendship, but I guess not. – [Rekha] About the handcuff thing? – No, voted most likely. – [Rekha] Sorry, most likely to handcuff? – Yes.
– [Rekha] Or, be handcuffed? – It’s a gray area, I mean, nibbles. (laughter) – Other side, yeah. – [Rekha] Most likely to be nibbled? – That was your superlative?
– Runner up. I suppose a nibble is
nice, a nibble is nice. – Yeah. – But, maybe not necessarily to my ear. I like when people touch my head. – Yeah, that’s true.
– Same, oh my god, yes. – Which is supposed to be an Aries thing. – That is an Aries thing. – When we did that thing the other day, your erogenous zones, I really
do like if someone just this. – Yeah.
– that feels really nice. – I’m more like that meme that’s like, “I’m a real animal in bed.”
– Yeah. – And then, the next part
is the person being in bed. It’s like, “Pet me and bring me food.” And, that’s the kind of animal. – Oh my god, if someone brings
me a fucking glass of water, I’m like, “I’m in love with you.” – “I love you.” – Because I have a hot
temper, cool me down. – All right, moving on, we have Taurus. She exudes sex, hard to resist. She does not like to share her man. Your eyes better stay in your head. If she catches you
cheating, prepare for war. She likes a man who makes it rain. The author’s words, “A young
Taurus is eager and trainable. “Oops,” I wrote ew, “Be
Careful, happy go lucky in love, “stops watching her figure,
stops wearing nice outfits,” – [Rekha] Oops. – Doesn’t like moist, soft spoken, metrosexual men or alpha males. You got to set the mood for her. – Tauruses, unanimously, are homophobic. (laughter) And, have a very toxic
sense of masculinity, is what I got from this. – This is the only one, too, that shares personal anecdotes from, I
guess, the author’s friends. One Taurus gave best oral of her life to guy she barely knew,
wanted to make him her man. Another person milked
her husband’s prostate while giving oral, and it’s good for a long lasting relationship. – It also said, “Tauruses love
music, incense, and flowers. “They need the mood to be right. “And, they have soft, smooth
skin, and luscious breasts.” – Listen, guys, if you’re not milking your husband’s prostates or someone else’s husband’s prostates, you’re so far behind. – I don’t think I know what it even is. – [Rekha] This is naive. Yeah, I don’t know what
it means to milk it. – Neither do I.
– Oh my god. – [Jed] I do.
– [Rekha] You do? – I think what she means is
to extract all, everything. – To express his glands.
– To jerk him off? – Yes.
– Is that what it is? – That’s essentially what it is. – It’s expressing his glands?
– Express his glands. – I think it’s like super sucking. – Why doesn’t he just do what a dog does and scratch it on the sidewalk? – How would you express his glands? – Yeah, you would know
this, I don’t know this. – You talk to them and be like, “Come on, tell me what you’re feeling.” You talk to the gland.
– And then, it goes, “No, you don’t (mumbles).”
– Express yourself. I still don’t know if I understand what milking a prostate is. I guess, if you’re on the
Discord, write in, let us know. – So, if you do this.
– Yeah. – If you do a little bit of this, and you do a little bit of this, and you’re doing this,
and then doing with this. – You’re gonna just have to have the video to know what any of this is. – Can you do those lips
again, because I don’t know. I didn’t see that.
– [Jess] Fingers up. A bit of mouth.
– Okay, hold on. But, this is the back, and
then this is the front. – And, the mouth has the penis? – Yeah, the mouth has the penis. – [Denise] Why is it?
– [Jess] Okay. – So, you’re doing a little bit of this. – It’s a little farther, right? He’s got a bigger ass, yeah. – You need a claw sort of thing or, well, just the middle finger
because it’s the longest one. – You’re flicking him off, too. – Yeah, but it’s better
with two fingers because, you know, the prostate is,
I don’t know how big it is. – Tiny?
– Yeah, it’s tiny. – [Jess] Interesting.
– It is interesting. – Well, she also doesn’t
mind sweaty balls. She loves to receive oral,
likes to be urinated on, and her sweet spot is,
“Neck is her sweet spot. “Soft kisses and gentle
fingers makes her heat up.” – [Rekha] Wow.
– Do we know any? – [Jed] Yes.
– We do, you do. You definitely do.
– I dated a Taurus as well. – Grant is a Taurus. – But, it’s not Grant.
– Oh. – Yeah, he loved the idea
of being urinated on. – The Taurus you knew?
– Yeah, the Taurus. – [Jess] This book, I can’t believe. – How accurate it is. – I was ready to come in today and have everyone be like these
are all pretty inaccurate. – Guys, these are nuggets. I mean, I think, you know,
I guess we can’t do that. But, these are nuggets. – How do you speak to such
broad generalizations, though, that every Taurus has soft
skin and luscious breasts? How can that be accurate of everyone? – Every house or every planet,
I think it’s every house, has a different body part that it rules. So, for ours, we’ll get to it, but sometimes it could be
liver or heart or bladder. – What do we rule?
– [Jed] The head. – La cabeza. – And, I love when people pat my head. – [Denise] Yeah.
– That’s really beautiful. – You are an Aries. – I’m gonna go through a couple quickly, just to make sure that we hit all of them. – Yes.
– Gemini. Mysterious, intriguing,
likes a man who makes. A lot of them also speak to how much money she would like that man to make, and it’s pretty much always a lot. – Yeah, and the amount of oral she likes to give the man is also a lot.
– Yeah. Pretty much every sign
likes men who make money and just varies between how much of a lot of money that she likes. – Yes. – The Gemini has seductive powers, and she uses them for financial gain. – Yes.
– Yes. – She’s kind of a bad
girl in all of these. She has a lot of guy friends, and she’ll play the field
and kind of see them. – Yes.
– Yes. – She’ll try to make a move on
somebody else’s dude as well. – Yes.
– Yes. – Very Gemini.
– She’s a man magnet. – This was the craziest sentence for me, “She can get a wild hair up
her ass and won’t sit still.” – I never heard that. – I was like, I know that
is partially a metaphor. But, I’m like, it also sounded so literal the way she mentioned it. – Yeah, I never heard that expression, a wild hair up somebody’s ass. – What would that feel like? – There’s definitely been hair in my butt. – It just makes me think of
when my dog swallows hair. And then, when she tries to poop, and we have to pull it out of butt. – Like dingleberries?
– Like a little dingleberry. – What’s a dingleberry? – [Jess] I think it’s when the
poop is attached to the hair. – Yeah, it’s when the little
nugget of poop is on the hair. – [Jess] And then, they look
at their butts like, “What?” – [Denise] “What is this?”
– [Jess] What is this? – That’s cute.
– It’s adorable. – Ladarius runs from it, he’s so afraid. – What sign is Ladarius?
– I think he’s an Aries. – Whoa.
– Yeah. I got to serve at Gemini, but
I would like to get through it because Gemini, this is important. Gemini is our opposite sign.
– Of Sagittarius. – Yes. – And, that’s my brother’s sign. – Yeah, we can find a lot of. – [Jed] That’s my bother’s sign. Oh, wait, I’m not a Sagittarius, but my moon is in Sagittarius.
– Interesting. – Yeah, you can find a lot of, we can learn a lot from Geminis, but also, they drive us insane. – [Rekha] Interesting.
– Yeah. – [Rekha] I’m trying to think
of my least favorite people. – Yeah, think about all your bitches. – She also doesn’t mind
if your balls are musty. – Yeah, that’s so nice.
– So, the past two girls don’t really mind a musty set of balls. – Yeah, you can keep your balls as dirty, moldy, and nasty as you want.
– You better not. – You can have shit stained balls, and this person’s gonna love you. – Ladies, listen, contact
me if this is an issue based on what we said
today because I will get on the internet, and I will go nuts. – [Rekha] Literally.
– On musty balls? – On musty balls. – If you find a moth on your
man’s balls, call Denise. – Please call me.
– She’s like a lawyer. Call, has this ever happened to you? – Has your man ever has dust bunnies crawl out of his scrotum?
– Dingleberries. – If you have mesothelioma on your balls. (laughter) – If you’ve got asbestos in your balls. – Okay, I’m gonna move onto Cancer. Emotional, memory like an elephant, they’re not gonna forget, and
they won’t forgive either. – They cut you off. – They have a keen eye
for style and furniture. They are thrifty, they’re more of, this was the first one described as kind of the reserved girl next door. Take care to notice her hair, how good she smells, her luscious booty. Will gladly give you oral,
maybe pour something sweet on your package and lick it off. – Yeah. – If she’s your girl, she’s
gonna be freak nasty for you. She’s tender, emotional,
attentive to her man. So, she seems like kind
of marriage matterial of any of the ones described so far. – Lady in the street, is
freak in the sheets, for sure. – [Rekha] That was what they described. – They described another one as that, too. – [Rekha] I forget. – I just think that this person has really used a lot of R&B song lines. – [Rekha] It’s true.
– So, yeah. – Yeah, I think Cancers
are very sensitive. I have a few Cancerian
friends, and they paid me. My favorite kind of friends,
they’re the ones that pay me. – No!
– [Jess] No! Does this describe them? – Kind of, I can’t be like,
“What’s up little bitch?” Because then they’ll be like, “Why did you just call me that?” – “I don’t have the freedom to go, “‘What’s up little bitch,’ to my friends.” – [Jess] I just can’t call my friends little bitches any more.
– This fucking sucks. – [Jess] Let me see if there’s
anything in there that would. – It’s a witch hunt. – [Denise] And, now from our sponsors. – [Jess] And, now a word from
our sponsors, Greek wine. – Your Cancer friends
have luscious booties? – Yeah, I can think of a couple. – They love their butts touched. – They do.
– Oh my god. Is that their house, butt?
– Yeah, they rule the butt. – They’re rising butt? – Actually, I don’t know
that they rule the butt. – Yeah. – This says they like a tongue kiss. Then lick and squeeze her
nipples, makes them super horny. – Nipples, yeah. – But, doesn’t that make all of us horny? – No.
– That’s like being like, “My erogenous zone is
my fucking genitals.” – My crotch.
– Some of them do say clit. What was clit and armpits? – Yes.
– I think it was Kate. I wanna go up to her and
be like do do do do do. – Uh.
– Uh. (laughter) Moving on, Leo.
– Leo. – Likes to shine, she likes
when men marvel at her, she likes to feel lust, she’s kind of the popular bossy chick. I remember even growing up, Leo seemed like the sign
that you wanted to be. I think I knew Madonna
was Leo, and I’m like, “You must be a big, free spirited, cool, “badass bossy chick if you’re a Leo.” – The main Leo I knew, she was my best friend
for a very long time, and she was the funniest person I knew. But, she also was one of those people that is so reserved with her friendships that everyone would just
kowtow kind of to her will. – [Jess] Yeah. – And so, I was like, “Ew,
I don’t want to be a Leo.” She’s too difficult to nail
down, she is so withholding. – Impulsive, flirtatious.
– Yeah. – She doesn’t chase
the men, she is chased. – Yes. – She wears sexy outfits from Victoria’s Secret, specifically. – Yes.
– Plug. And, they’re proud sponsors. – The velour tracksuit
that says PINK on the back. Not even the paws. – Nothing sexier than that PINK. – She likes to climb on top so that the man can engulf her breasts. – I know, I was like, “Okay,
I think they mean like this.” But, it made it sound like.
– Oh, I see. So, she’s on top, and then
her boobies dangle over him. – Dangle on top of his fucking face, yeah. – I had a hard time
visualizing what that meant. – Me, too.
– Yeah. – She’s not inclined to try new things. I like, the more kind of
outspoken and badass a woman is, the more that they’re kind of like, “I don’t wanna do anything “but just regular old sex in the bedroom.” – [Jed] She’s just vanilla.
– Yeah. She may seduce teenage boys, yikes. – This is the one, yeah.
– She’s the cougar. Her house rules the cougar in everyone. You know, we all have
a little cougar in us. – Well, she’s a lion not a cougar. – Leo the lion.
– They’re feline. – Simba would never.
– But, Nala would. – Oh my god. – I haven’t seen the new
movie, so no spoilers. – Yeah, no spoilers if
Simba fucks a teenager. (laughter) – Oh, no. – She likes soft touches with
a feather, your moist lips, and even your fingertips turn Leos on. – These?
– These old things? – These old things, oh my god. – That’s why they all
work at police stations. – Yeah, they take the pad. (laughter) – Virgos, make her angry, and she’ll unleash a verbal hailstorm. – Yes.
– She’s picky. If you want something done right, do it yourself, is about a Virgo. Task master, goal oriented. She’s the good wife material,
and she will age well. – This is Beyonce.
– This is Beyonce? – Yeah.
– Yes. She’ll satisfy you orally,
and she’ll like doing it. – And, she’ll kill Coachella. – She doesn’t date casually,
she takes sex seriously. – She views sex as a
part of a duty to men. – In secret, she doesn’t tell, she likes being spanked with a wide belt. – Virgos are pleasers.
– That’s not. Is this what this is? I guess her womanly duties.
– Yeah. Overall, Virgos are
like, “How can I help?” And yet, at the same
time like, “I’m right. “I’m doing this right.” – Everything but stubborn, yeah. – [Rekha] Wow. – My mom kind of reminds me of a Virgo in this description of it. It’s like, “I have to do everything, “and I do it the right way.” But also, “Why is no one helping me?” – [Rekha] Yeah, interesting. – Maybe that’s just a mom thing. – No, do you know Virgos
like this too, Jed? – I’ve dated Virgos.
– Yeah. – All I remember is really bad things. – You can’t do anything right. – Right, you can’t do anything right. – I just came off of a thing with a Virgo, and I called it ahead of time. He is not astrologically
savvy, and so he was like, “How’d you know all this stuff?” And, I’m like, “Because
you’re a fucking Virgo.” It’s like they want, man. He’s very good with his hands. I think Virgos are very
good with their hands, but also everything they do is to be correct in the situation. So, if I’m interacting
with you, I wanna be right, and so I’m going to try to do things with a little bit more intention. Does that make sense?
– Yeah. – So, you’re like, “Oh my
god, how did you, you know. “Every man that’s fingered
me so far has done it “so he was like rubbing
out a stain on his couch, “but somehow you are.” – They take some baking
soda and dish soap. – Salt.
– Oh, fuck. – And, they just, take a toothbrush, an old toothbrush up there. – And, they bring you to the dry cleaners. – And then, they go, “I
couldn’t get this out.” – “Can you fix this?” – “I couldn’t rub this one out.” – They don’t bring it to the dry cleaners, they just flip it over. And, they’re just like, “That
was good, that’s good, right?” Yeah, no.
– But, Virgo would not. – Yeah, because a part of how they. – They wouldn’t make the stain. – Exactly.
– That’s very true. – A part of how they’re satisfied is, it’s not so much the satisfaction. I mean, part of that is it,
but a lot of it is like, “I’m correct, this is right.” – Interesting, I feel like
that’s a little crossover to me with my experience as an Aries. Does that track? I don’t know, is that stupid?
– No. – It can, but in a very different way. So, Aries are folks who take inventions or take things to the level of expertise. So, you know, we wouldn’t have
lights without these people. – I see.
– We wouldn’t have, you know. Things would not improve beyond their current function without. But, Aries, you are a manager. You can take an Aries and just be like, “Yeah, put the Aries here. “Put the this there, they’ll
be better there, yeah.” – [Jed] I invented light bulbs. – You are head writer.
– Head writer. – [Rekha] Head!
– Head writer. – Wow. – Okay, were gonna have
to come down from that. – Libra. Libra was my favorite sign to read about. I thought this one kind
of sounded the hottest. – Sexy. – They were very attractive, men like to look at their butts in jeans, they’re hot and stylish, in good shape. I imagined every model as a Libra. She can be wishy washy with male suitors. She’ll throw them aside
if she wants a new one. She’s the life of the party. She would be best with someone
in the entertainment biz. She likes love making, music,
massages, but be warned that a Libra woman, have that snapper. She can control her vaginal muscles and clamp down on the penis. I had never heard this
phrase, the snapper. – Yeah, because it either reminds me of the fish or a turtle. – So, the Pisces should be the snapper. – Yes. – Yeah, Sagittarius, it says we have big, loose, flappy vaginas. – Yeah, you guys are
like a little jellyfish. – What were you gonna say, Jed? – that’s my actual vagina.
– That’s unsettling. Yeah, I imagine they’re
kind of like that movie. There’s a horror movie called “Teeth.” – Yes.
– Yes. – Where the girl has.
– Vagina dentata. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – When I first was
reading this, I was like, do they have vagina dentata? – She’s a Libra.
– She would be a Libra. – You know who else is a Libra? Mike Trapp. – Mike Trapp, is your vagina constantly snapping off penises? – He’s like Edward Scissorhands. – If so, where do you keep them? – If so, call Denise, one 800.
– Clamp my vag. – They like to rub that
booty and caress the small of their back, which sounds nice to me. – [Rekha] That sounds wonderful. – Her buttocks. That all sounds nice.
– You can caress my back. – [Rekha] Yeah, that sounds right. – Scorpio can force impotent
man to stand at attention. Takes a real man’s man to catch a scorpio. So, they like an alpha male, kind of like a guy on
a motorcycle type dude. I imagine the Sons of Anarchy
all date Scorpio women. – [Rekha] Hot. – Everybody wants to date a scorpio. Scorpio women are very sexy, but go on. – It recommends taking
her to a Red Lobster. (laughter) Because she loves fresh seafood. – Oh my god. – This says, “A lady in the streets, “but a freak in the sheets.”
– Yeah. – She wants a big comfy
bed, which I can relate to, and often penetrates her partners, which can lead to lesbianism if her man isn’t enough in the bedroom. Yeah, all lesbians, if our
men haven’t been enough, then we’re like, well,
we’ll, you know, go try. – Something out there. – Every lesbian was made that way. – Yes. – Her spot is anything
dealing with her clit. So, good for her. – [Rekha] Yeah, aren’t we all Scorpios. – All men want Scorpio women?
– [Denise] Every one. – I’ve heard that Scorpio men are bad. – So, Scorpio men can be
bad because of the nature. Okay, so Scorpio women, I don’t agree with the lady in the street. I definitely believe that Cancers are more lady in the streets and
freak in the sheets. Scorpios lead with sexuality, and it’s not an overt
sexuality all the time. But, if you think of every famous Scorpio, they’re very like.
– [Jess] Like whom? – SZA’s a Scorpio.
– [Rekha] Leonardo DiCaprio. – Who?
– SZA. – [Rekha] You know.
– Oh! SZA is very cool and hot.
– Exactly, oozing it. – So, it’s just kind of that cool, badass chick who doesn’t
even try is a Scorpio. – Yes, but also has a sexual appeal that you don’t know that you
are sort of attracted to. You don’t know why you’re
here, but then I bet if someone was like, “Hey,
get in this threesome,” you’d be like, “Yeah.” – Is Janelle Monae a Scorpio?
– She could be. – Can someone look that up?
– Holy shit, she could be? – Can we get one of our researchers? – Fact checker?
– In our lab. – Kermit the Frog with the typing. – While we’re on that,
or if you’re at home, please share it in our Discord. We move onto probably
the most important sign. – Hey.
– Sagittarius, the best sign. – Debatable.
– I am ashamed, after reading this how much I was like, “Wow, a lot of these feel like me.” – I legitimately was
like, Jess, Jess, Jess. – Loves herself, her body,
her booty, and her voice. I mean, if you sound like this. So many comments are like, “I thought she was putting on that voice.” (laughter) No, that’s what God gave me. She’s a big hearted woman. She likes to come and go as she
pleases, which is very true. No prob with casual
sex, hates being bored, funny, optimistic,
flirty, you know the type. That’s what the author said. But, she has a sensitive nature. And, she doesn’t like pranks, which I don’t like pranks at all. They upset me.
– Yeah. – I had to literally, for a show, that is coming to later on DROPOUT, I knew Jess didn’t like
surprises and pranks, so I kind of had to
tell her ahead of time. – And, I still screamed
my head off, horrified. This part wasn’t true about me. Sex on the beach was named after her, or anywhere in the public,
she likes to have sex out. – Have you never gone out
to a certain public beach at night and just been like. – I have never had sex on a beach. – [Jed] It’s uncomfortable. – I’ve had sex at the Grand Canyon. – I’m going to.
– Have sex with me on a beach? – I’m gonna drive the van that
gets you sex on the beach. I’m gonna drop you guys off.
– I don’t want to. I’ll get a little rug burn on my booty. – You’ll get a pearl. – [Rekha] Sand may get claws in you vag. – Yeah.
– She ain’t a Libra. – You’re gonna get a pearl.
– I ain’t no Libra. Scandalous men latch onto her, and sweet talk works too well. My god, it’s my entire growing up. She likes to get down to
business, no foreplay. This is like the pages from my diary. – Denise, did this resonate with you, too? – It did, yeah. – If she cheats, it doesn’t mean anything. I don’t cheat, but if someone
did, it wouldn’t mean a ton. – Look at all the margins.
– You drew some boobies. – I drew some boobies, true, true, true. – Oh my god. – And, this can lead to
threesomes and other women. And then, this part I really love because Kate always
says that she would like to get oil and massage my but and thighs, and literally that is what
it said about the things. – [Jed] I think they rule the butt. – Yeah.
– You are the house of butt. – I am the house of butt.
– The house of butt. Yeah, I’ve tried to get
massages, very cheap massages in very cheap places where
they’re very famous for massages. And, I couldn’t do it. And, they would give me a pedicure, and they would go up the thighs. And, I’m like, “This is all
I want, this is all I want.” – You just want a thigh butt massage. – I just want a thigh butt massage. – I mean, when I’m paying for a massage, I would like just my shoulders and back, but when I’m with, you know.
– Yeah. – Being intimate, yeah, I think. It was just very funny because that’s something
she says all the time. – So, we’ve got one more sign. Do we have enough time for us to go into Gemini and Sagittarius stuff? But also, too, “But her strong throat “and vagina muscles are enough “to impress and climax any man.” – I did read that. I could speak to it because I am me, so I don’t know the power I have. (laughter) With great power. – [Rekha] Comes great responsibility. – So, I probably do have
a very strong throat. – [Jed] By the way.
– But, I would have no idea. – I was like, classic Jess. When I see Jess eat a cracker, that thing fucking breaks in her throat. – Yeah, I put a peanut, it
just unshelled down my throat, and then break it in my throat. – And, it disintegrates.
– And, pop the shell back out. – Yeah.
– Is what I typically do. – Janelle Monae is actually a Sagittarius. – She’s a Sagittarius,
I could see that, yeah. – That’s hot.
– She could crack. Stuff with her.
– We’ve got one more. Yeah, she could also crack peanuts. We’re like little nutcrackers. – Wait, we have Capricorn.
– Yes, organized. – Capricorn, and this is what Kate is. Which, I don’t know if
this totally described her. Highly organized, she hesitates because she has underlying fears, her panties will not just
slide off, so don’t try. She’s the one that got away, which I think for a lot of people, Kate is kind of that. I could see that.
– She’s a heartbreaker. – I feel like every boy,
every nerdy boy madly falls in love with Kate, and they
become a bit obsessed with her. – Yeah.
– Unusually loyal. That’s totally Kate, Kate’s the best. – Brennan’s also a Capricorn, Brennan. – I could see him being very
loyal, all these things. – Yeah. – She likes dishing out pain,
and it gives her pleasure. – Say what now?
– No, that doesn’t. Asks you to take a dildo in the rear, may want to tie you up and beat
you, and a thumb on her clit or under her armpit are
her secret hot spots. – Also, something I found interesting, you need to impress her by doing something like helping poor kids. – Yes, volunteer work
or help some poor kids. – That gets her juices flowing. – Yes, either touch her
armpit or help the poor. – Sentimental about
family and collectibles. – Tiny Tim, panties are so wet. – Oh my god.
– That’s it, that’s everybody. That’s all the signs.
– Yay. – Jess, as you know, this book
did not have any sex in it. – It did not. – It merely described
how to have good sex. – Yes. – So, we wrote our own erotica again. – We did. Now, Jed, I had seen yours before. I think we’re running a bit low on time, so we might only get a paragraph out it. Would you pick your favorite paragraph, and I’ll share mine to start. – And, I can share mine
second if you want more time because mine is garbage.
– Okay. – So, this one is based
on being a Sagittarius, from what I read from the book. I was a hot Sagittarius out on the town, looking for a stranger to
oil up my butt and thighs. Anyone would do because I have
no problem with casual sex. I walk down the street,
checking out my beauty and my booty in the window as I passed. When I saw it, a sports bar. I love sports, I guess
I’m not your typical girl. I took a seat at the bar and instantly spotted a
scandalous man across the way. I hated almost everything about him, but his shirt did have cool buttons. So, I knew he was gonna get laid by me. We didn’t mention that,
but if they find one thing that they like about you,
they’ll have sex with you. – Oh my god. – He walked over and had
the smoothest pickup line. “Do you like pets and or outdoor events?” Damn, “Yes I do. “My name is Sex, Sex on the Beach.” “Like sex on the beach?” “Yes, it was named after me.”
– Oh my god. – And, just like that we
were back at my place. He pulled out an app. “Hold up, dude, I don’t do apps. “I like it the old fashioned way.” He reached out to touch me. “What did I just say? “I want it the old fashioned way. “No touching, no feeling, no rubbing. “I want what I want, and
if you don’t like it, “we can just be friends.” He understood. “Good, now get me off.” (laughter) He went down on me. “Wow, your strong vaginal muscles “are very impressive,” he said. “Yeah, I know, now keep eating me out.” (cheering) He did it, and I came. “Well, I’m done,” I
exclaimed as I got dressed. “What about my heavy nuts?” “Tough titties, get out.” He was acting so pussy
whipped, which I hated. – Oh my god. – So much so that I was
tempted to turn to lesbianism. Maybe another day, if it’s
written in my Sagittarius stars. – Oh my god, “I was tempted to turn.” that’s very funny. Mine is very short. Okay, mine is also based
on me being an Aries. I wondered if the stars
aligned that night. My boyfriend is over, and I, an Aries, and he, a Sagittarius,
had been in a fight. We were arguing over which
type of hip hop was better. New hip hop, old hip
hop, or present hip hop. – Or, future hip hop.
– Or, future hip hop. “You never care about
my tastes,” I shouted. “Yes, I do. “You’re being illogical
again, as an Aries.” We couldn’t stop fighting,
and that’s when I realized. I kind of liked it. We immediately started making out. He slipped off my NASCAR ballgown, and I made my way down to give him oral, which I loved to do. He came early, but I didn’t mind. I never mind because
compared to me, an Aries, that was not one tough nut to crack. (cheering) – Shit, I don’t know which one to read. – We can also post the entirety
of yours on our Discord. – [Jess] Yes. – So that people get to read it. – So, I literally wrote
this, this morning. – Perfect. – And, I have never written erotically. – Ah!
– Nor really read any. – [Denise] Did you write
it in Spanish or English? – I wrote it in Spanglish.
– [Denise] Okay. – Actually, I wish I would
have written it in Spanglish. It’s in English, and it’s
about Aries and Scorpio. They’re personified. So, the two opposing forces slowly meld into one rhythmic motion. – [Denise] It’s gonna get juicy. – Mouth savoring each
other’s throbbing virilities, fingers running through
forests of newly found desires. Slender body overpowering the
definition of burly strength. This is Scorpio’s slender body because, in my story, he’s the slender one. And, Aries is this burly
tough guy, but secretly, he wants to be dominated
by this smaller guy. Okay, Aries throws his head
back, his short curls cascading, and quickly recoiling as
Scorpio enters the threshold. There is no turning
back now, only forward. The scouting girth of Scorpio sends Aries into the dizzying dance of
rapture laced with pain. It can’t be avoided, and both are willing to see this performance to completion. Scorpio smothers Aries
in his sensuous kisses. He gazes into his eyes, looking
deep into galaxies hidden under the surface of
Aries’s molten lava and war. – Oh my god.
– And, finds his pearl. – No. – He utters his spell of devotion. – They must’ve had sex
on the beach, in a clam. (laughter) – Shit, so he reaches for
the farthest depths in Aries. And, in an instant, the
two constellations explode, creating new galaxies,
clouds of affection spreading in all directions, milky ways
dripping and intermingling. The glowing embers of a
fire burning out crescendo, followed by the calming lull of two bodies slowly coming to a glow. – Mm.
– Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
– And, to all a good night. – Jed, that was so beautiful.
– That was beautiful. – “I just wrote this
on the ride over here.” – No, I really did.
– It was the best of times. – It was the worst of times.
– No, honestly, Thesaurus.com was my best friend. – It was beautiful.
– It was beautiful. I felt like was taken
on a beautiful journey through the galaxy. – That was like, you know,
the rides at Universal. – “It was as beautiful
as a Universal ride.” – You damn Aries. (laughter) – More like when you get a
group at the observatory, and you go and you see the show. – Yeah.
– Yeah, it’s like a planetary. – “You are entering the
cosmic, dripping galaxy.” – Rekha’s never had fun, guys.
– It was like in “La LA Land,” if they didn’t fuck or if they danced. If they fucked instead of dancing. – Yeah. – In that scene when
they’re at the planetarium. – Yes.
– Yes. – Cirque du Soleil, but
with their dicks out. – All right, guys.
– Yeah. – It’s time to rate the book. So, as one being a drought and five being slide off your chair. I realize this one
doesn’t have a narrative. But, maybe how accurate we felt it was, and how passionate it made you feel moving forward as your own sign. – And, you can give it
two different scores if you think those are
two different things. – Yes.
– Okay. I generally hate astrology books
because I think they’re so, they’re just surface level silliness. – Yeah.
– And, in that respect, I think the book deserves maybe a three. – I will let you know, that’s pretty good. – That’s more than I thought
you were gonna give it, yeah. – Yeah, I mean, it gives
you tidbits of the signs, but it’s so over generalized, maybe a 2.5. Can we give it a 2.5?
– Okay, yeah, absolutely. – As far as insighting
ideas, maybe another 2.5. – Okay.
– [Jess] Okay, Denise? – Me, okay, yeah. The book is a one, you know, whatever. I think there’s a problem with sort of taking ancient
studies and then, you know, making them so, sort of, trivial, and I definitely have a problem with that. We definitely have a problem
with that in our culture, so it’s, you know.
– [Jed] Yeah. – Let’s just take it off the scale. But, I think that this woman wrote a book, and she published it, and she
ain’t giving no fuck, okay. – And, you bought it in hardback. – And, I bought it in hardback. – [Rekha] You bought the extended
addition with the forward. – You’re gonna give that
to your grandchildren. – (mumbles), yeah. – So many notes in it and dog ears. – She missed, what do you call it? A few punctuation marks
so that a few articles ended up being, you know, just weird. But, yeah, I think that it’s fun. I think that she wrote a book, and she put her own spin
on it, her own personality. And, I mean, you got to fuck it, you know. She did it.
– Yeah. – I wish I, you know,
all of us up here wishes that we did something, so I’m gonna give her an eight for that.
– She gets a score. An eight?
– Yeah. – This is the first eight
ever on the podcast. – (mumbles)
– Congratulations Lysa London. – She wrote a book, it wasn’t
that good, she published it. She don’t give no fuck, yeah.
– Yeah. – [Rekha] It’s true,
she doesn’t give a fuck. – She doesn’t give no fuck. – I’m gonna give the book a two. I’m not giving it a one
because I did have fun, just how it brought us all together in our beautiful gifts
and getting to talk. I was surprised how many things in it you guys said were accurate. – Yeah.
– Yeah. – Astrology isn’t really my thing, and I was assuming, going in, that everything was gonna be inaccurate. Reading mine, I was like,
well, maybe just mine is, and now, hearing you
guys, it sounds like a lot of it is at least
generally accurate enough. But, the implications, just
the gendered stuff in it and implications that someone
is turning to lesbianism because, you know.
– [Rekha] Yeah. – I mean, that’s my, yeah. – But, I guess it is a book
for men looking for women, so maybe I’m being too
hard on the assumptions. – No, you’re not.
– No, no, no. – Unsweet Lysa London.
– Yes. I think I would have given it a one, but I do think the
conversation was interesting. And, I do think it’s cool
to see that people related to certain things in it, so I
will give it a 1.75 or a two. – [Jess] And, you have this
beautiful outfit out of it. – Yeah, which I wouldn’t have gotten if you guys hadn’t brought
such spirit and enthusiasm and crystals, which we didn’t even need to use to start opening up.
– That is true. – Wow.
– Welcome to our dungeon. – Yeah, exactly, so that’s my score. – And, I score everyone
who’s watching a five. – [Rekha] Or, an eight.
– Or, an eight. You get an eight as well. Thank you so much for being here. Our next book is picked. It is “My 5 Bosses” by Penny Wylder. The story of a young
woman who has five bosses that she’s got to please. So, we’ll see how things work out for her. Thank you so much to
guests for being here. – Thank you.
– “Goodbye.” – Thank you, have a wonderful, sexy week. “Goodbye.”

11 Comments

  • XPokeSonicX says:

    Yes yes god yes been waiting for this all week
    LOVE YOU GUYS

  • Aaliyah E says:

    I relate so much to Rekha so finding out that she's a fellow aries is so affirming

  • Daniel Richards says:

    You guys are hilarious! And fucking sexy.
    But I'm definitely picturing something else when I think of reaching into her sex pocket.

  • Rifki N R says:

    yo, jed looks so dope in that outfit

  • Ganoiric Wulfcray says:

    "absolutely not!" Me too Rehka.

  • Aidan Gorrell says:

    I love listening to this when new episodes come out, but I was not a fan of a non-narrative book or treating astrology like it's real

  • ToyKnives says:

    35:15 Did they censor "insane"?

  • CH2 says:

    Hang out with Rekha and Jess in our DISCORD! Sign up for DROPOUT: http://bit.ly/2KOHLyr

    Don't live in CANADA, AUSTRALIA, NEW ZEALAND or the U.S.? Sign up here: http://bit.ly/2KOHLyr

  • Frank Bank says:

    I can't recomend "Sunstone" enough ! It's about a lesbian Bondage erotica writer looking foor someone to finaly live out her fantasies with. This someone happens to be a long time reader and fan of her work. The illustrations are awesome, the portrail of bondage is great and the story is superb (all be it a bit cheesie at times)

  • Tommy Laukkanen says:

    One episode I'll skip.

  • 〈/†〉[Nick1921945]〈♥☺♪♫〉 says:

    The 3 girls are soo brain-dead. Blonde seems like a basket case for romance (Im talking about actual love). The girl on the right is fairly smart but i feel like she is still empty minded, even if her wisdom isn't bad. Chick in the black hair probably watches more porn than my fuckboy friends. The smartest one there was the gay dude, and i feel weird saying that he was the "sexiest" or, in any case, the most mature. The others just seem very immature to their environment.

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